there is joy at the end.

oh, hi.
i didn't plan on coming around here to type anything anytime soon.
but here i am.
a few hours ago, the thought of blogging was completely...resistible.
i don't want to blog.
i don't want to blog because whitney would comment on the link i'd post in my facebook, and she'd say "can't wait to see your face again! you should visit!" and other stuff like that.
i don't want to blog because the thought of everyone knowing what my christmas and new years was like does not sound good to me.
i want to keep it to myself, and those who lived it with me.
those i lived it with.
i don't want to blog because eventually i'll have to write things like "____" and then it'll be published on my blog, and then those words will die away, and they'll be written and stamped on the internet, on my blog, they'll be reread and remembered, as if reality wasn't good enough to remember and do that.

nonna. whitney. also known as justin's mom. (holding her first grandbaby girl in august when i visited.)
she died in the wee hours of december 26, 2012. short notice, health decline from a virus to something more odd and extreme within a few days.
her life was entwined in so many people's lives with so much love --for Jesus and for people, no matter what-- and therefore, so many were touched by the joy of who she was, and all those people now feel that certain element of emptiness.
i don't think there's been a week in my life yet that hasn't held a day where i haven't questioned God why?
but He's giving me peace. slowly. i'll see her again. and she's watching us from up there with Him. i like thinking that. sometimes it helps a lot.
but because it's only been (nearly) a month, when this song featured below comes on --because i just searched it; i love the words-- my throat squeezes up uncontrollably and i can't breathe; i feel the emotions and helplessness and pain of that early december 26th morning around 3am creep over my entire body, when anna pushed play on the song after justin got the call from his brother and sister about the news.

and even though He's giving me peace slowly, my heart still hurts and i miss her... because over the past year, her and i grew closer and closer, and she was such an encouragement to me.

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say:

My child you are finally home.
Sing, O son of Zion,

Shout, O child of mine 

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind 

For you are finally home
I've been waiting to watch you realize 

What all your longing was for 

And I've been waiting to show you the thread of grace 

That ran through all your pain
And I've been waiting to let you drink the water of which 

Your greatest joy on earth was just a taste 

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say 

My child you are finally home.

 me and whitney, august 2012.

pictures from visits down with them in the summer of 2012. ♥
her tortillas are amazing.

i'm marrying her son.
(sarah helped us do a photoshoot for our parents christmas present....on. christmas. day.
he spent christmas eve and christmas day up here in wisconsin with us.)

i'm best friends with her daughter. have been for almost 12 years, i believe. pj is due in march with her first, and i'm going to be at the birth. i can't wait to see the little guy. nonna whitney was predicting it to be a boy...

her husband, brad, is going to be the officiator on our wedding day.

brad and their second grandbaby girl... :)

me and grandma eva, whitney's mom. i love her. :) i stayed with them for two weeks after justin and i made the roadtrip down there in the early afternoon of december 26. grandma eva told me "good morning, sunshine!" every morning. she's a doll.
it's beautiful how God made it so that we all can see glimpses of whitney in each other. because she gave us all a part of herself.

one of the songs giving me the comfort of truth. 

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. 

In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! 

For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

[john 16:33]

even though things in life can be completely out of the realm of understanding for our hearts and minds, life here in this world is going to be flawed and full of pain and bitter-sweetness as times. seasons are going to suck. but there is going to be complete joy at the end. here, at the end of all things. we have hope. if nothing else, we know we have hope in the end. i hope in my God.
♥

sap and sun and shadows and perfect weather. lol.

have i said lately how much i love the taste of coffee?
and the color of the sky no matter what season it is.
and the feeling of being able to sit under the shade of a mature maple on the most perfect day of the week so far.
my leather amplified bible in front of me on the grass, open to the book of james.
sunshine. layers and branches full of leaves glowing with it.
and the feel of getting up from grass you thought was dry, that feeling of everything being damp. lol.
like childhood. i don't sit on the grass very much anymore.
bugs. chairs are better. the ground is . . . not as convenient.
just . . . i don't do it much.
but ah, the feeling of this afternoon . . .
crazy beautiful weather, the gift of coffee ;), a breeze whispering over pages [like james 2], and laughing over all sorts of random stuff that comes up when i'm talking to justin on the phone. discussing some verses that stunned me. like this one. and why or why not people talk about it, preach on it.
i rambled about something odd that if i told it to anyone else, they would give me that look. the one that says heh, beka....you're crazy. just kiiiiinda weird....
and i am.
but i'm just thankful that some people [ahem, very few, very rare] accept and even appreciate --gasp! even love?-- the fact that i am . . . me. 
i just feel so lucky it's him.
some days really suck to be long distance. actually, all days do. and as time goes on and we get closer, talk about and open up about different stuff and dream all over the place with hopes and logic combined, it really hurts some days to be apart. to have only the phone and sometimes, once in a while, skype to connect us between the one weekend a month-ish that works out to see each other in person.
[take yesterday for example. a perfectly good day. everything was going great. no huge drama or anything. but inside? inside i could. not. stop. missing. him. i'm not usually so melancholy at every turn as i was yesterday. so.....i'm super thankful for today. a lot more free, positive mood. still miss him, but it's not horrible at the moment. lol.]

then again . . . there are some days, you're just so thankful for the utter blessing of someone who truly loves you, and takes you on your good, bad, weird, freak-out, lazy, fantastic, and horrible days. and vice versa. [obviously, i'm no where near perfect:P]
and that's when you find yourself laughing at jokes and teases as you ignore the fact that there are bugs in the grass all around you and there are a lot of things yet to fall into place in this time before that blessed day, but still . . . you just know that it'll all be perfectly wonderful in the end. [reminds me of that joy set before you scripture. so much hope, even though we may go through so many trials on the way to it!]
really tough at times, but then that's life.
and the tough times will be okay because we'll be together and God is always with us. and He knows all that's in store. how we're going to draw closer to Him through it all, as our lives are washed with His grace.
through the valleys and the storms.
through dashed hopes and fulfilled hopes.
through conflict and peace and every.single.bit.of.it.

 ~~~

wow. a post without pictures.
yes. i survived and posted without pictures.
so.....here we go. i need to figure out what i want to do about that storage issue. thanks to all you who put in their two cents of how you do it! :)

happy.

i have 601 published posts and 22 drafts. i haven't been posting at a normal or decent record lately. just a few facts for you.

makes me happy posts.
pretty darn inspiring.
especially considering the facts that i'm looking forward to so many things, learning to rest in trusting God and His timing and just who He is, but i've started to let little things slip away.
so. with no further delay . . .

things that have made me ridiculously happy this week:

the smile my younger sister/s gives me when we share a sibling moment telling each other 'you're weird'.

and the laughing that comes afterwards.

the morning's hot shower. that feeling of a new day starting. clean.

the freshly-cleaned off kitchen counter. my ocd tendencies satisfied.

the loud, obnoxious hum of the coffee grinder in my hands. anticipation and enjoyment of my obsession. :)

attempting to accomplish how many push ups while the coffee brews. exercise, keeping in shape, who's heard of it? psh....not me.....

the sound of someone's really tired voice on the phone at the end of a long day... and the good-natured argument over when exactly he should go to sleep because he's so exhausted, or if he should stay up like he wants to/wishes.
the laughing that comes when either person wins the argument.

how about you? what has been making you ridiculously happy this week?

three days after christmas.

once upon a time, it was december 28, 2011.
crazy, huh?
one nice thing about this year so far is, my hand and brain have adjusted quite well to writing 2012 at the top of my journal entries.
usually i go through quite a bit of adjustment time. and writer's block. and all sorts of other things.
but, it's a good year, and there are things to write about, the words are flowing, there's good coffee, wonderful family, and a best friend who actually seems to like me a lot, and i him . . . :)
so, yes. it's a good year.

goodness me.
no clue what kind of muffin rachel made that morning, but whatever. it looks good, doesn't it??

you know those rare days when you put earrings in just for the heck of it, even though you're not going out into the freezing cold day?
yeah. it was one of those days.

 redoing our bedroom, with lyd and rach: washing the walls...organizing stuff....filling holes with putty. this bedroom hasn't been painted in more than 5 years. maybe 10. so....yeah, it kind of needs a change. we want a change. and i just love paint. :)

lyddie, getting a turn at using the putty. personally, i love that part of redoing the room. but....when your cute littlest sister begs to try it....you kind of have to give in. lol.

we listened to music from my blog . . .

i took a white-washed picture of myself.

and . . . look at that. kitchen stuff . . . talk about oddness. invented in 1968. weirdness.

see that? this is a lower quality [than normal] photo of a magazine page. :P
but.
the idea is, this awesome room.
and the color.
and inspiration.
it says "this is an almost black, charcoal gray that has enough brown in it to keep it warm. it looks like all of those colors, depending on how the light strikes it."

and now for randomness:

i thought this was hilarious. i don't eat breakfast most days; 2 cups of coffee are all i'm hungry for in the first few hours of a day, but whatever. [ya know, someone i know says that coffee isn't a food group. but.....that someone knows that fact doesn't stop me from having just coffee for breakfast. bwahahahha. ;)] the whole post is pretty full of amusing things.
what do you like for breakfast??

the day after christmas.

hello.
i believe some of you may have noticed a pattern in the titles of my last few posts . . .
i got a brilliant idea the other day to plow through the end of december and post whatever pictures i took each day that are bloggable. ;) so . . . here we go. december 26.

sigh.
i love the look of cream spilling into good coffee.
yes, i'm weird. i already know that.

devotional and coffee.

the best way ever to start a day.

crazy, cozy socks. :)

the day after christmas, a monday, us girls went to the next town to shop around for sales in a certain store; but first we dropped by grandma flower's house. [she lives on some land with goats, sheep and chickens, with her husband, grandpa herb. :)]

we were held there for more than an hour, still wrapped in our coats and petting her jack russel [or whatever that cute dog was], captivated by her chatting up a storm about not so random history and how mom and her know everyone in the town and surrounding areas and how things used to be and the pros and cons of modern day versus olden days and life quality and homemade things and internet and malls and franchises and dances and people who don't dance and on and on we listened and she talked and i smiled because this isn't everyday that you get to listen to stuff like that from an 80 year old lady who's lived a lot and has all her marbles.

also, a cute piece of furniture in her house that i couldn't help but take a cell phone picture of. i'd leave it white, or paint it a lovely pale gray, or a nice turquoise. it's just too cute. me and anna loved it.

p.s. this post is reeeeeaaaally good.
want to grow your spiritual muscles? a post by jeremy, aka the bohemian bowmans.

p.p.s. ok, so it's 12:16am on january 8 as i publish this...my charger is working on and off [at least it can charge sometimes, still:P] and i'm going to read a bit more of the third book in the 1st big volume of the o'malley series before sleep. :) i was obsessed with those books when i found dee henderson's writings at around the age of 13. anyone else read them before??

link love.

sarah, author of emerging mummy wrote a piercing, simply beautiful post:
in which [love looks like] a real marriage.

past and present biblical handbooks for church practice [a comic].

the series on ruth that natalie is currently writing and posting.
wonderful, fascinating... :)

this week's funky search words leading to the blog:
hillsong united concert   
shauna niequist blog   
mom playing acoustic guitar [?]   
artistic quotes
limitless tattoo   
morbid butterfly [?]   
1 peter 4:8 tattoos
beautiful brunette normal pic   
blue hillsong images
elegant snobbery

Source: Uploaded by user via Beka on Pinterest

peace.

And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.

[philippians 4:7, amplified]

this, and sara groves' rendition of it is well with my soul. [found on spotify.;)]

and most of bethel live's music. mhmm. 

♥

wonder in daily life.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

11:38pm-11:51pm

I wonder . . .
There are nights that I look forward to that first sip of coffee –and the grinding of the beans, the sun pouring in the windows, rinsing the filter, pushing the start button—into the next day.
I wonder if it’s the things we look forward to, that fill our life with wonder?
And my, my . . . how many things do we already look forward to, or how many things could and should we teach ourselves to build up to look forward to them –and how much joy and wonder would there be?
I wonder.
The things that make us smile –we could bring the number up with simple choices to savor them, couldn’t we?
And how close will we let ourselves to the edge to love, to care, to reach out hands out to touch the sky or what we think is blue, cool expanse brightened by the sun; toes balanced on the edge?
We could fall. And hurt. And learn and turn away from the choice to become bitter, but rather start climbing another mountain.
Or something else could happen; we could fall be lifted on the wings of wonder and joy and gratitude and touch the clouds.
Of course, climbing mountains and touching clouds won’t be our whole life.
But for moments of joy that could be paralleled to such things.
Such times that fill the soul.
Such times that our souls feel out of breath and weary, tired of existence and trying; waiting for a day to feel new again, hopeful again.
Such times that our soul connects with another.
Such times that grow a smile on our mouth and welling up in our eyes.
Such times that even bring our soul low, searching for bright specks of goodness in the bottom of the river of life.
Such times that make us laugh or sigh inside, with wonder that such good could exist in someone else; that such good could exist and happen to us.

Gratitude is the root of joy.
[brennan manning]

guest post: erika.

hello, loves. i'm still elsewhere, but i'm so thankful and honored
to post this writing from erika. i love her blog, and the things she
posts are full of wonderful writings, intricate, simple, and
stunning alike. i hope you enjoy her post! leave some love:)
♥

"The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams."  — Eleanor Roosevelt

I was thrilled to be asked to write a quest post for Beka. She’s such a sweetheart, and she’s become one of the closest friends I’ve never actually met.

When I first sat down to write, all that kept coming to my mind was Beka’s age. I often think how she is just on the brink of so many of life’s milestones. In just the time that separates her age and mine, she could potentially meet a dashing man who will sweep her off her feet, get her doctorate in some fabulous art major, start a family and have adorable, cuddly babies, or move far from Wisconsin to a foreign land with completely new experiences. She has so much potential. She has so much waiting for her, and it’s at her fingertips even when she doesn’t know it. Fate has funny ways of being unrecognizable until you see it in hindsight.

When I think back to my life at her age, I remember always wanting to see what was just around the bend in my future. I’m so very thankful I could not. There were a lot of twists and turns that landed me where I am today, and some of them were not pleasant. In fact I know, had I been given the choice, that I would have run far away from some of those things. And if I had, my life would have been much different. I doubt, though, that it could be much better, even with the knowledge I have now. Just looking at my marvelous daughter reminds me that the road here was well worth it.

The thing is, I envy Beka’s potential and the fabulous unknowns that will come her way, until I remember- we all have it. It’s why a grandmother in her 80s can get a college degree, or why a new career can start at 50, or why an unexpected pregnancy can complete a family of five. There are plans we make, plans we break, and many things that simply break our plans to pieces. But all of these things together are what make life so beautiful.

Wherever you are at this very moment is not where you will be in a year, or five, or fifty. Life doesn’t leave anyone alone that way, and it’s a good thing. You might change into ten different people before your time on earth is over. While it’s good to live every day like it’s your last, it’s also comforting to remember that it’s likely not your last. That there is still time. That there are things undone, things meant only for you.

That is a beautiful destiny.

beautiful mornings, picture overload, and trust.

this was how our day started.

well, by the time i was up at 8, anyways.
one really good memory from today: half a pot of freshly brewed coffee --heck yes, the trader joe's italian roast-- all to myself in a quiet house. we're not early bird types. we really aren't. so, this socially busy week + somewhat early mornings = the very thought of vacation and lots of van time is tiring. 

me? psh.
this is me after that half a pot of
italian roast all to myself
plus a cup of 8o'clock italian roast.
for the record, i much prefer tj's over 8's.
yepperdoodles.

i've snagged quite a few pictures today, so here comes a slideshow.

i don't have much to say today tonight.
not much at all.
[with all i wrote yesterday about the boy's funeral, i'm really empty considering more funeral talk for my aunt's today. it was really hard to see my uncle and their two adult children talking at the church and breaking down....oh dear.]
another early morning tomorrow, seeing friends we haven't seen since 8 years ago [do the math; i was 12. holy crap that's a long time.] laundry to do, packing to have fun with, and who knows what else. this week has been crazy. seriously crazy.

your mind is somewhat like a seesaw. 
as your trust in Me goes up, 
fear and worry automatically go down. 
time spent with Me not only increases your trust; 
it also helps you discern what is important and what is not.
[Jesus calling; sarah young]

over the past few days . . .

since i read it, many of my thoughts lately have been measured against this post:

horn of africa: on the brink of a humanitarian crisis.
my friend, hanna, linked to it a bit ago.


my thoughts on the matter: truly? i want to sponsor a child someday. someday soon. i have thoughts and plans written down, fresh from tonight.

then there's matthew paul turner's post:
social justice exhaustion: far too many of us are sick and tired . . .

33 Little children, yet a little while I am with you. You will seek me, and just as I said to the Jews, so now I also say to you, 'Where I am going you cannot come.' 

34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. 

35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another."
[John 13:33-35]

rambles on a wednesday night.

so . . . i'm thinking tea.
and f-word discussions like this: my life as a white-washed feminist, by elizabeth esther.
well, duh she doesn't say the actual four-letter-f-word you first thought of. it's the . . . you know. the other one. the one in the title. i probably shouldn't talk about the fact that i know people who would shake their head with wide eyes at me for reading and posting a link like that.

other things i'm learning, observing, thinking, etcetera:
fundy rules like this.
i shall not elaborate beyond the fact that this is true, some people live like that, and we all need to be careful and give everyone grace. it's stupid to think you're right about everything, okay?
okay.
[see luke 6:27-38, a fascinating and pretty wowza passage of scripture.]

basic macaron recipe.
i need to make these. i pulled out the kitchen-aid mum and dad got for their wedding or something equally ancient ;) the other day, for the first or third time in my life. i never use it because i never whip egg whites.
so . . . i'm thinking i'll start a business centered around egg white usage, because that was seriously fun. stuff.
hahaha. you'd all make it for the opening of the shop, right??


her.meneutics: [the christianity today blog for women] the lost girls of china and india.

and this song: where you go i go. 
together.

and this:
33 Little children, yet a little while I am with you. 
You will seek me, and just as I said to the Jews, so now I also say to you, 
'Where I am going you cannot come.' 
34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another:
just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, 
if you have love for one another.
[John 13:33-35]

and love146. 
they've all been on my heart, these last few things. today. hopefully embedding themselves, too. i never want to forget that there are people out there who do not even have friends, who do not even have a choice. who do not, at this moment, have any hope. whatsoever. only pain and utterly wrong things make up their world. there are those who don't know the truth of how precious they are. there are those locked in prisons of all sorts, clueless and helpless as to whether there is truth, grace, mercy, and love somewhere in the world.

[see Romans 13:8-10]

it makes all the above bleach out to perspective. at least for me. i would hope the same would happen in some way for others. how important are all your rules when there are those with no clue as to the goodness and love there is??

Love is my religion - I could die for it.
[John Keats]

hillsong united concert. and rambles on time.

you don't mind if you get a bit of picture overload, do you?
nah. didn't think so.
just to make a note of it, 99.9% of these were taken by my rachel, with her nikon that she recently got, and loves.
i just thought i'd throw that in there, because she'd want it that way. ;)
and for the fact that my camera's battery died probably half an hour into the actual concert.
ah well.
only 30 pictures taken? psh, i'll live.
there were, on our row of friends alone, 5 cameras working.
casey, steph, rachel, michaela, and i.
so yeah. no lack there. ;)

heather, casey, me, anna, steph, michaela's hand and camera, and rach taking the picture.
behind us, mrs. e. and our mom; ben and caleb.
enjoy the pictures:)

 the whole thing was just . . . amazing.

the worship: wondrous.

there was one song, every person voicing melodies of ohhhh. 

the ceiling so far above us. 

so many people gathered.

so much going on.

people singing.

all for love.

the air was just . . . filled . . . with adoration. worship. surrender.

moments like that drew your heart out.

the deeper places.

and, in some cases, makes you cry.

how many things, how many times, how many people, how many moments doing what

what pulls at you? 

His love.

and what you were created for?

the things He made in you, resonating, growing, stretching into fuller potential every other moment.

creating you to be who you were meant to be.

what you were meant to do.

it happens both in the obvious moments, the grand ones, the small, utterly quiet ones.

some of you know what i'm talking about.

others, well, you're just beginning to think you understand what i'm trying to get at.

when will His kingdom come?

in those moments that song filled, it felt as if it had come.

then and there.

i know it was just one element, one place it stretched through the layer of time and earthly boundaries.

 casey: having fun.

and now, because i'm randomly going to do this, here's a slideshow of.....every picture. plus a few i hijacked from casey's facebook album of the night. :) the group ones at the end, if you really wanted to know.

oh, and one last one from casey's album:

i have theories about this guy.
he wears the glasses and shaggy hair to cover his attractiveness. but nevermind that. and the fact that aussies have wonderful accents. and it's just so beautiful when they also love Jesus, too.

this song . . . with all that's going on right now, makes me hold my breath. stare at beauty. stare at life. old and new. disintegrating; coming together. this song tugs at my heart. makes me long for home. that's the straight up truth. so you'll be seeing it posted again and again. just to warn you.
♥

 on the way home, around 11:30pm.

mhmmm. tired.
after we took these pictures with rach's cam, i put my head on ben's shoulder and we both tried to doze on the trip home.

sarah's key.
in other news, anna just finished this book and told me to read it. dad's next:)
they're making it into a movie. it's coming out in a few months.
and i guess . . . it's heartbreaking.
i'm not one to check out spoilers. but anna does, after she reads the book.

3:33pm

i want to say thank you so much to those of you who read and commented on the post yesterday.
it's a deep, long, and strange valley. one that seems to be, even in this past week, closer to the end than the beginning. on a day like this, overcast and cool, raindrops here and there . . .

i have a feeling i'm not the only one thinking it. mom's taking a walk with gram in the reclining wheelchair, asleep. with the youngsters --lyddie and danny-- on a bike and wagon behind.
a lovely little walk.
time is a funny thing.