there is joy at the end.

oh, hi.
i didn't plan on coming around here to type anything anytime soon.
but here i am.
a few hours ago, the thought of blogging was completely...resistible.
i don't want to blog.
i don't want to blog because whitney would comment on the link i'd post in my facebook, and she'd say "can't wait to see your face again! you should visit!" and other stuff like that.
i don't want to blog because the thought of everyone knowing what my christmas and new years was like does not sound good to me.
i want to keep it to myself, and those who lived it with me.
those i lived it with.
i don't want to blog because eventually i'll have to write things like "____" and then it'll be published on my blog, and then those words will die away, and they'll be written and stamped on the internet, on my blog, they'll be reread and remembered, as if reality wasn't good enough to remember and do that.

nonna. whitney. also known as justin's mom. (holding her first grandbaby girl in august when i visited.)
she died in the wee hours of december 26, 2012. short notice, health decline from a virus to something more odd and extreme within a few days.
her life was entwined in so many people's lives with so much love --for Jesus and for people, no matter what-- and therefore, so many were touched by the joy of who she was, and all those people now feel that certain element of emptiness.
i don't think there's been a week in my life yet that hasn't held a day where i haven't questioned God why?
but He's giving me peace. slowly. i'll see her again. and she's watching us from up there with Him. i like thinking that. sometimes it helps a lot.
but because it's only been (nearly) a month, when this song featured below comes on --because i just searched it; i love the words-- my throat squeezes up uncontrollably and i can't breathe; i feel the emotions and helplessness and pain of that early december 26th morning around 3am creep over my entire body, when anna pushed play on the song after justin got the call from his brother and sister about the news.

and even though He's giving me peace slowly, my heart still hurts and i miss her... because over the past year, her and i grew closer and closer, and she was such an encouragement to me.

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say:

My child you are finally home.
Sing, O son of Zion,

Shout, O child of mine 

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind 

For you are finally home
I've been waiting to watch you realize 

What all your longing was for 

And I've been waiting to show you the thread of grace 

That ran through all your pain
And I've been waiting to let you drink the water of which 

Your greatest joy on earth was just a taste 

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say 

My child you are finally home.

 me and whitney, august 2012.

pictures from visits down with them in the summer of 2012. ♥
her tortillas are amazing.

i'm marrying her son.
(sarah helped us do a photoshoot for our parents christmas present....on. christmas. day.
he spent christmas eve and christmas day up here in wisconsin with us.)

i'm best friends with her daughter. have been for almost 12 years, i believe. pj is due in march with her first, and i'm going to be at the birth. i can't wait to see the little guy. nonna whitney was predicting it to be a boy...

her husband, brad, is going to be the officiator on our wedding day.

brad and their second grandbaby girl... :)

me and grandma eva, whitney's mom. i love her. :) i stayed with them for two weeks after justin and i made the roadtrip down there in the early afternoon of december 26. grandma eva told me "good morning, sunshine!" every morning. she's a doll.
it's beautiful how God made it so that we all can see glimpses of whitney in each other. because she gave us all a part of herself.

one of the songs giving me the comfort of truth. 

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. 

In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! 

For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

[john 16:33]

even though things in life can be completely out of the realm of understanding for our hearts and minds, life here in this world is going to be flawed and full of pain and bitter-sweetness as times. seasons are going to suck. but there is going to be complete joy at the end. here, at the end of all things. we have hope. if nothing else, we know we have hope in the end. i hope in my God.
♥

a latte finds.

it's saturday night, 11:33pm to be exact, and i have just experience that once-in-a-blue moon honor of stumbling across some good, new-to-me artists.
er....via pandora.
who would've guessed?!
anyhow. these go right along with the acoustic, folksy, almost- type i've been loving for the past . . . oh . . . year? hah. with small breaks of needing harder core stuff for moods, this has been my mainstay. my obsession.

blind pilot.
it's like jack johnson meets jars of clay.
pretty nearly almost. :)

sea wolf.

and these.
i don't have a pinterest, but from browsing a few friends' albums on there, i get inspired up the yin-yang.

brother-sister time line. :)
freaking adorable.

many, many possibilities to twist, turn, turn inside-out, and make my own. :)

rambles on a wednesday night.

so . . . i'm thinking tea.
and f-word discussions like this: my life as a white-washed feminist, by elizabeth esther.
well, duh she doesn't say the actual four-letter-f-word you first thought of. it's the . . . you know. the other one. the one in the title. i probably shouldn't talk about the fact that i know people who would shake their head with wide eyes at me for reading and posting a link like that.

other things i'm learning, observing, thinking, etcetera:
fundy rules like this.
i shall not elaborate beyond the fact that this is true, some people live like that, and we all need to be careful and give everyone grace. it's stupid to think you're right about everything, okay?
okay.
[see luke 6:27-38, a fascinating and pretty wowza passage of scripture.]

basic macaron recipe.
i need to make these. i pulled out the kitchen-aid mum and dad got for their wedding or something equally ancient ;) the other day, for the first or third time in my life. i never use it because i never whip egg whites.
so . . . i'm thinking i'll start a business centered around egg white usage, because that was seriously fun. stuff.
hahaha. you'd all make it for the opening of the shop, right??


her.meneutics: [the christianity today blog for women] the lost girls of china and india.

and this song: where you go i go. 
together.

and this:
33 Little children, yet a little while I am with you. 
You will seek me, and just as I said to the Jews, so now I also say to you, 
'Where I am going you cannot come.' 
34 A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another:
just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another.
35 By this all people will know that you are my disciples, 
if you have love for one another.
[John 13:33-35]

and love146. 
they've all been on my heart, these last few things. today. hopefully embedding themselves, too. i never want to forget that there are people out there who do not even have friends, who do not even have a choice. who do not, at this moment, have any hope. whatsoever. only pain and utterly wrong things make up their world. there are those who don't know the truth of how precious they are. there are those locked in prisons of all sorts, clueless and helpless as to whether there is truth, grace, mercy, and love somewhere in the world.

[see Romans 13:8-10]

it makes all the above bleach out to perspective. at least for me. i would hope the same would happen in some way for others. how important are all your rules when there are those with no clue as to the goodness and love there is??

Love is my religion - I could die for it.
[John Keats]

a monday morning with gram.

11pm tuesday, april 26 
yeah, you read that date right.
take a breath and get a cup of hot tea, because i'm jumping right in.
that is, if you want to read it.
since i hardly ever talk about this part of life, you might want to.
or not.
it's hard.
and if you didn't know, gram has dementia. has had it for the past how-many years. i don't know the exact year when she started showing signs. but here's a site to give you an idea of it.

~~~

i hardly ever realize how much gram affects me...until i read something like this post, from last summer: thoughts. and oddities like coffee;)
i guess it's as good a time as any to post that writing about a good morning with gram.

this picture really makes me miss life 'back then'.
note to self: reading a post like that and listening to the oldie but so lovely song by frank sinatra can make one very sentimental.

~~~

written into the computer: monday, april 11, 2011
when this all was: monday, april 4 2011
11-something a.m.
I just finished washing and dressing Gram.
She started out this morn with gobbledy gook, but was talking to me.
She guessed the names of Rachel and Wallace as my name. I told her the right one.
When she thought there was something with business tonight and had the urge to find her black sweater, I told her she should stay home with me and rest.
Because I’m going to make something good—pasta or lentils.
Good dinner.
She made a sweet, surprised face.
No dentures in yet.
Tiny little o of a mouth=surprise.
“Well, lady . . .”
I smiled at her.
“I’m just anxious to get up and do something,” she said, no add-ons or anything.
{Caution: swearing in context found here. This is life with me Gram, and if you can’t take it or are offended, well, skip this post. Toodles.}
The co-op truck is here.
The coffee (New England) is brewed.
I’m getting around to helping Gram get up and ready for the day.
She’s alone in the quiet of Anna’s room that they share.
She’s talking incoherent sentences and pieces. No one gets it so they’re doing something else.
Caleb, we believe, is dairy intolerant.
That hot cocoa [at the family conference weekend] he drank knocked him down. He’s been on the couch sleeping, taking potions, earache and tonsils aching, watching movies since AR. Shoot. I hate it.
He was watching Prince of Persia.
Now: Defiance.
I hate seeing him sick and without that spark in his eyes.
Back to Grammy.
Before I got to her, while I was putting some music on for fun, she was staring at the clothes in the closet ahead of her and lisped out the word “shit.”
I have to say, with no dentures, it’s got a comical air.
“Grandma,” I scolded, though smiling.
She cast a glance in my direction. “Well? Dammit.”
Hey, we’re doing good. no GD yet today.
Or so far as I’ve heard.
“I’ll get something for you to eat.”
“Don’t do too much,” she says.
“Gram, don’t worry about me,” I patted her shoulder. “I’m a young whippersnapper. Only 20 years old.”
“Ah, you are.” She smiled a little.
“Yep, I am. 2 tens. That’s all I am right now. How much are you?”
“100….”
“No, you’re 8 tens.”
“80….”
“Yes. Almost 90. You’re 80-something”
She says mhmm and nods, like it’s a sweet fact of life.
“Well, I’ll keep that to myself.” I smiled.
“Yes, you do that. I’m hungry.”

~~~

have to post some real life stuff somewhere in here, for history. this is, after all, somewhat like an online journal.

and looking back, clicking on the gram tag, there should be some good and hard stuff to find there.

so that's the purpose. this is a glimpse into one of the bigger, harder areas of my life.

it's something that is hard to see as a whole, and wholly understand it, if you haven't experienced it.

all i can say is, it's hard. but this all has a purpose.

everything shapes us.

and i'm really sorry i delayed in posting this. did you see the date i wrote this? april.

two freaking months back. but i have to post more than coffee and beauty on here sometimes. 

don't feel pressure to comment. 
this was just to get it out.
and for the fact that this is my blog. 
my life. my fill-in-the-blank space. 
be aware that there is a much more recent 
[as in, this morning i wrote it in my real paper journal] 
that may or may not be coming along soon, also. 
it's harder. if you can believe that.   

♥ grace and peace to all who happen to read this.

birth [photography] and story: henry.

i do believe i'm going to go mostly with black and white.

but some of the daytime photos need to be posted in color. :)
so.
onto the story.
we got a call at around 4:30pm.
we were on the road by 5.
got there around 6:10pm.
the sweet girl with the camera is julie's eldest, hannah. :)
and there's mom, giving julie some essential oils {therapeutic grade: young living dist. #1237953} to rub on her belly.
41.5 weeks? mhmmm.

michelle, julie's friend and doula, tickling little gus.
gus was such a cute mama's boy.

the pool.
:) isn't it awesome?
[yeah, it's just a pool from toys r us. it worked beautifully.]

gotta love a boy who shares his books! ;)

daddy [mike] and the twin girls: lila and gracie. and gus again. cutie. :)
watching finding nemo. yeppers. love that movie.

this is what happens when you're pregnant and in labor: you get massages.
all day.
looking back on these photos, i'm almost jealous:)
but maybe someday that kind of day will come for me. :)

the amazing woman part of the birth crew. :) michelle: doula. rosie: midwife.
it was so cool to see them do their stuff; beautiful things i've only read about and seen videos on for the past 10 years.
okay, not all of 10 years. i mean, it's been 10 years since i've seen a birth in person. that was lyddie, my youngest sibling. just in the past few years have i seen some inspiring/informative birth films.

this last one: orange juice and castor oil, anyone? :)
she drank it like a trooper. golly.

what time is it?
ohhh....time for pizza. :)

♥

i love the sunlight here.

♥

sweetness.

a massage of clary sage . . .

meanwhile, the sun was working on setting . . .

michelle was such a cute lady. and so nice, too. this is another yummy castor oil/orange juice potion in the making.

me and i-honestly-can't-remember-which-twin. :) please forgive me.

8:30pm.
decaf vanilla-almond coffee. *grin*

around 9, the childrens were put to bed . . . julie tried to rest . . .
{and found out she was around 2-3 centimeters. pretty discouraging, considering there were 3 days in a row before this that she experienced on-and-off labor, including all day this day: thursday may 26.}
and me, emma, and hannah took a few shots in the mirror.

mmmmm.
10:30pm.
caramel brownie ice cream time.
oil of frankincense massage for julie . . . starting to do stair laps.
more intense contractions. starting to vocalize now.
gosh, this was amazing to see.

bottom picture: rosie, getting tired of my camera always on and clicking. el oh el. ;)

this was my first super-big moment of revelation of how amazing doula's are.
my heart may have swelled with pride a little at the thought of my sister, anna, being there like this for women.
♥

reflection.

mmmmm. that's some great tea!

somewhere between 12am-1am we filled up the pool and she got in.
i guess the hot water around and supporting her made a lot of the contractions just sweep away.
pretty awesome.

transition.
yeah, it tends to be a pretty intense time.
as i shot one after the other, i was praying for her under my breath, totally amazed (in every definition of the word) at what exactly was happening.
a new little human . . . being brought into this world.
stunning!

and at 3:07am, friday, may 27 2011, henry came.

♥

the beautiful family, sans sleeping gus. :)

while mama julie got out of the pool after delivering the placenta in quick timing, michelle held baby henry.

mhmmm. total love.

skin-to-skin bonding is the most beautiful thing.

by this time, it was 4:14am.

and the sun was rising.
ohmyword. beautiful.

around 10am, after a few hours of sleep.
gosh, that floor was comfy. at that hour, a pillow and blanket is all you need.

and for the shot i really cherish:
;)

♥
*breathe deep*

i tell you: sweetness!!
and being a bit overdue-ish according to dates calculated, he was born with some ultra-cute chub.

and we celebrated with some delicious homemade cinnamon coffee cake [made by hannah] for breakfast with cinnamon coffee... oh so good.
to henry's family: thank you so much again for letting me be a part of that beautiful day!
julie, you're so amazing. and so blessed. but i know you know that. ;)
♥
the end.

ending:
this is what crazy baby people do.
stay up till nearly 1 . . . and wake up at 7. aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!
*chants* : i will not be a zombie when i watch the kiddos [sam and reese] tomorrow. i will drink coffee. and pray i stay alert. amen. :)