when i get inspiration for writing posts like this, i'm tempted to put my blog as private.

but then what kind of courage and honesty and guts would i have?!
none. that's what.

(i therefore make no apology for the honesty and guts and courage i have to post this, and stride forward to ignore thoughts of what everyone might think when i post the link on facebook. these are my thoughts, presently, and i'm allowed to give my thoughts for accepting, wonderful, humor-seeking friends to enjoy also. lol.)

it's 11:39pm, and this post by michmash inspired me.
i am no longer immune.
you kind of might want to read the post, just to get context for what i'm about to write. don't read the comments of that post yet, though. lol.


hmmm....i'm not a mom, but i'll tell you my secrets to keeping the mental birth control cap on the hallelujah-chorus-singing-ovaries . . .

i read horror stories of moms who go into their 6 week post-birth appointment. their dramatic personal experiences keeps the "oh i sooo want a baby!!" hormones calm. i love babies. but it freaks me out thinking a baby is going to plow through the lady parts. yeah. i've seen two births over the last 6 months, as a birth photographer who sometimes works by the side of my awesome doula sister, anna. for only a week ---only a week!!!-- i am cured into thinking and believing that i'll want to wait 5 years even after we get married.
unfortunately, that mindset doesn't last, and i'm wandering around on the internet looking at cute maternity and packs of adorable onesies a few days after the week anniversary of the trauma.

so.
i nanny this freaking adorable little boy.
he's 4 months old.
he wakes up every 2 hours (i hear he used to wake up every hour in his first 3 months). to feed. and to get changed. because he pees a lot. because he's well hydrated.
and the parents (wonderful, wonderful people who have a great sense of humor and i love them and their cute little family so much already) don't get that much sleep!
just think how much you like sleep.
yeah.

also, the first things to spring to my mouth (when a sibling teases about the high chances of fertility between justin and i and if we have an oopsies 6 months or less into marriage) are: i don't want nausea and exhaustion that soon. or to have to start researching and saving for a midwife/doctor, saving for diapers, all the changes before we've gotten to settle in and live life together for a while, figure things out, etc etc etc etc.....yeah.
and did i mention the lady parts being forever changed? i know that recovery is sooo possible and there IS an amnesia that comes about after a time, or else people wouldn't have more than one single freaking kid all the time!

that's my story of encouragement. haha. hahahah.
but i have to say...and this is speaking as a part-time nanny....just as you're getting tired at the thought of the lil kiddo waking up in 1/2 hour for his almost-due feeding and you're still finishing up laundry after you got a bite to eat for lunch....he wakes up and smiles the sweetest smile at you. and you know that this is why the world goes on. and that there IS, after all, a gorgeous, challenging circle of Life going on. and it all grows us up, makes us better and worse in all sorts of different ways.

sheesh. why don't i freaking blog this?! i need a blog post. maybe. but am i used to being this blunt and honest on my OWN blog? i mean, heck, obviously your blog is so dang inspiring, it's drawing words out of me. sentences and paragraphs. holy crap.

i'll leave you alone to decide your fate. well, kind of. heh.



p.s.
as a note of btw, things that have been happening lately: 
invites and programs getting figured out; food person/chef nailed down for the dinner reception; ideas for flowers being tossed around; my first (of two, in all) bridal shower today!! it was a double bridal shower for the extended family ladies to celebrate martha (getting married to ben in march) and i (getting married in may!)
it was so much fun. anna coordinated it, and was super super awesome at it.
opening up homey stuff and kitchen things was so exciting....i feel so blessed. :)
now for sleep. how am i ever going to get rid of this nose/throat yuckiness if i don't get decent sleep? sheesh. for pete's sake. :P

there is joy at the end.

oh, hi.
i didn't plan on coming around here to type anything anytime soon.
but here i am.
a few hours ago, the thought of blogging was completely...resistible.
i don't want to blog.
i don't want to blog because whitney would comment on the link i'd post in my facebook, and she'd say "can't wait to see your face again! you should visit!" and other stuff like that.
i don't want to blog because the thought of everyone knowing what my christmas and new years was like does not sound good to me.
i want to keep it to myself, and those who lived it with me.
those i lived it with.
i don't want to blog because eventually i'll have to write things like "____" and then it'll be published on my blog, and then those words will die away, and they'll be written and stamped on the internet, on my blog, they'll be reread and remembered, as if reality wasn't good enough to remember and do that.

nonna. whitney. also known as justin's mom. (holding her first grandbaby girl in august when i visited.)
she died in the wee hours of december 26, 2012. short notice, health decline from a virus to something more odd and extreme within a few days.
her life was entwined in so many people's lives with so much love --for Jesus and for people, no matter what-- and therefore, so many were touched by the joy of who she was, and all those people now feel that certain element of emptiness.
i don't think there's been a week in my life yet that hasn't held a day where i haven't questioned God why?
but He's giving me peace. slowly. i'll see her again. and she's watching us from up there with Him. i like thinking that. sometimes it helps a lot.
but because it's only been (nearly) a month, when this song featured below comes on --because i just searched it; i love the words-- my throat squeezes up uncontrollably and i can't breathe; i feel the emotions and helplessness and pain of that early december 26th morning around 3am creep over my entire body, when anna pushed play on the song after justin got the call from his brother and sister about the news.

and even though He's giving me peace slowly, my heart still hurts and i miss her... because over the past year, her and i grew closer and closer, and she was such an encouragement to me.

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say:

My child you are finally home.
Sing, O son of Zion,

Shout, O child of mine 

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind 

For you are finally home
I've been waiting to watch you realize 

What all your longing was for 

And I've been waiting to show you the thread of grace 

That ran through all your pain
And I've been waiting to let you drink the water of which 

Your greatest joy on earth was just a taste 

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say 

My child you are finally home.

 me and whitney, august 2012.

pictures from visits down with them in the summer of 2012. ♥
her tortillas are amazing.

i'm marrying her son.
(sarah helped us do a photoshoot for our parents christmas present....on. christmas. day.
he spent christmas eve and christmas day up here in wisconsin with us.)

i'm best friends with her daughter. have been for almost 12 years, i believe. pj is due in march with her first, and i'm going to be at the birth. i can't wait to see the little guy. nonna whitney was predicting it to be a boy...

her husband, brad, is going to be the officiator on our wedding day.

brad and their second grandbaby girl... :)

me and grandma eva, whitney's mom. i love her. :) i stayed with them for two weeks after justin and i made the roadtrip down there in the early afternoon of december 26. grandma eva told me "good morning, sunshine!" every morning. she's a doll.
it's beautiful how God made it so that we all can see glimpses of whitney in each other. because she gave us all a part of herself.

one of the songs giving me the comfort of truth. 

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. 

In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! 

For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

[john 16:33]

even though things in life can be completely out of the realm of understanding for our hearts and minds, life here in this world is going to be flawed and full of pain and bitter-sweetness as times. seasons are going to suck. but there is going to be complete joy at the end. here, at the end of all things. we have hope. if nothing else, we know we have hope in the end. i hope in my God.
♥

happy.

i have 601 published posts and 22 drafts. i haven't been posting at a normal or decent record lately. just a few facts for you.

makes me happy posts.
pretty darn inspiring.
especially considering the facts that i'm looking forward to so many things, learning to rest in trusting God and His timing and just who He is, but i've started to let little things slip away.
so. with no further delay . . .

things that have made me ridiculously happy this week:

the smile my younger sister/s gives me when we share a sibling moment telling each other 'you're weird'.

and the laughing that comes afterwards.

the morning's hot shower. that feeling of a new day starting. clean.

the freshly-cleaned off kitchen counter. my ocd tendencies satisfied.

the loud, obnoxious hum of the coffee grinder in my hands. anticipation and enjoyment of my obsession. :)

attempting to accomplish how many push ups while the coffee brews. exercise, keeping in shape, who's heard of it? psh....not me.....

the sound of someone's really tired voice on the phone at the end of a long day... and the good-natured argument over when exactly he should go to sleep because he's so exhausted, or if he should stay up like he wants to/wishes.
the laughing that comes when either person wins the argument.

how about you? what has been making you ridiculously happy this week?

just beautiful.

We were alone in the windblown, gently rustic quiet of Montauk (which the sweatshirts refer cheerfully to as “the end,” because it is located at the very tip of Long Island).
We drove to a beach and we sat on the sand in our jeans and sweaters. It was just us. Even the ocean was respectfully softspoken. The beach backed up to dunes that mounded thickly and were packed into bluffs with sharp, untamed edges. Stretches of coarse, reddish scrub brush grew low and defensive over the sandy earth. We were tiny and the world was too big to ever even come close to comprehending.
[kate; eat the damn cake]

that, and seabird music.
heather and derek's engagement photos taken this afternoon [anna and me with cameras in our hands:]
the pumpkin cake bars that turned out to be everyone's favorite, prettymuch.
writing...words...love.
the sunshine through the clouds near the end of the setting.

the contrast of silver ring on her finger.
her laugh; the way he looks at her.

the windy day and all the laughing.
God's love is the threads that hold my day together. 

music and the lyrics that sometimes comes with it.
it's lovely.

a beautiful october beginning.

yes, this was breakfast.
and then i made cinnamon chip scones.
what a morning this was, i tell you!

well.

well. [again.] 
it's 3:50pm.
crazy unmatched socks.
insane hair with no mousse. [yes, again, martha. hahaha.]
loud music . . . this song: calling you.
dishes to be done.
i'm going to clean, clean, clean . . .
even though right now i feel like dropping . . .
curling up in a cozy blanket [even on the floor] and taking a nap.

5-6 mile hikes to that to a person and their legs.
but it was gorgeous, so . . .
it all evens out in the end. :)

and, what's better than girlfriends and exercise??
nothing.
that's what.
exercise by itself is stupid.
but double-duty . . . plus wonderful photo ops . . . a very good time, indeed.

this music: something in the water. ice on her lashes.

at 11, anna and i carpooled with martha to a nearby area of hills and forest and sand [hah!] and leaves . . .
it's just starting to turn colors around here, so i got some really delicate color palettes on camera.

we took a few detours and had adventures, due to the place not having many signs at all.

hey, they didn't even have a map where there should be one.

the point of the hike, kinda, was this elephant rock that martha wanted to see . . .

a slightly snobby lady on one of these horses told us a couple vague directions. 
we ended up going the wrong way, thanks to her vagueness, and ended up getting the right directions probably almost a mile later from two hunter dudes coming peacefully up the path out of the wooded trail, one with piercings all over his face and the other with a voice to tell us reason.
el oh el.
we went through the maze of downed branches here and the guys were coming out of the woods. hah. funny that i took a picture right before it happened.

when we finally got there, we found it did not, in fact, look anything like an elephant.

 trees like lothlorien! all winding together...

. . . steepness to climb before finding the end point. lol.

wait for it . . . 

and believe me, i checked out the trail further up....there was nothing past this. this was it.
it looks like a whale.
a freaking whale.
but hey, it was fun.
they should rename it so people don't get their hopes up and dashed with the reality of the non-elephantness of it all.

it's totally a whale. see the jaw? i know my whales and dolphins, from being obsessed when i was 10-12.

5:21pm
let's face it: i'm not getting a nap today.
oh well.
the only thing left to do is grind some beans and brew coffee up to the 6 for the 3rd time today.
. . . it's days like this that i'm not sure i want to have kids of my own.
rach and lyd: playing monopoly . . . [oh yeah, sweet siblings bonding time? hah.]
15% yelling [random stuff with and at each other], 20% fake violence, 30% laughing, 35% annoying each other.
"don't tear apart the living room!"
yeah, that's me.
when they're older it doesn't matter if they're cute anymore to balance out "those days".
because when they're older they know what's acceptable and what's not. :P
but anyways, in the end, i'm just kidding about the no kids thing.
if it's possible, i'd like a few. 4 sounds grand. maybe a couple more. but no less than 4. even if we have to adopt. there's just something about having siblings.
there are phases when they drive you nuts and there's almost nothing except annoyance between certain pairs, but still . . . when everyone's actually growing up [no longer middle-little children] it's. awesome.

6:30pm
i like boiling potatoes for dinner.
and not just because they're flippin' easy.
i mean, they are good with butter and sour cream and pork seasoned salt. :D
but, even moreso prefer doing quick brown rice. the kind we get in a 5lb bag. hah.
even even moreso, i could go for some vegan fettucine/spaghetti tonight . . .
i might be making it soon anyways, because i told some certain people that i'd make it when jen has her bebe . . . which might be sooner than we think! who knows. as i've said before, babies are an unpredictable business when done natural. hahah.
unpredictable is good.

a paragraph of life.

this weekend is finally looking up: tomorrow night is a good friend's wedding; i'm working on a weebly site for the wildflower cafe where i painted that mural with ben; i've got a cold cup of mango ceylon tea by my side in a huge red mug; cozy socks and pjs on; spent the evening with some of dad's side of the family for a 1-year-old's birthday; writing back and forth with a good friend; little sisters watching the timeless classic road to avonlea; waiting for anna to get home from work with stories of patrons and quirky servers and random stuff like that; a kitchen to clean; and waiting for october to slowly creep up on us and dawn new things, including dear jen and craig's first little bebe. :)

wonder in daily life.

Thursday, September 22, 2011

11:38pm-11:51pm

I wonder . . .
There are nights that I look forward to that first sip of coffee –and the grinding of the beans, the sun pouring in the windows, rinsing the filter, pushing the start button—into the next day.
I wonder if it’s the things we look forward to, that fill our life with wonder?
And my, my . . . how many things do we already look forward to, or how many things could and should we teach ourselves to build up to look forward to them –and how much joy and wonder would there be?
I wonder.
The things that make us smile –we could bring the number up with simple choices to savor them, couldn’t we?
And how close will we let ourselves to the edge to love, to care, to reach out hands out to touch the sky or what we think is blue, cool expanse brightened by the sun; toes balanced on the edge?
We could fall. And hurt. And learn and turn away from the choice to become bitter, but rather start climbing another mountain.
Or something else could happen; we could fall be lifted on the wings of wonder and joy and gratitude and touch the clouds.
Of course, climbing mountains and touching clouds won’t be our whole life.
But for moments of joy that could be paralleled to such things.
Such times that fill the soul.
Such times that our souls feel out of breath and weary, tired of existence and trying; waiting for a day to feel new again, hopeful again.
Such times that our soul connects with another.
Such times that grow a smile on our mouth and welling up in our eyes.
Such times that even bring our soul low, searching for bright specks of goodness in the bottom of the river of life.
Such times that make us laugh or sigh inside, with wonder that such good could exist in someone else; that such good could exist and happen to us.

Gratitude is the root of joy.
[brennan manning]

vegan fettucine. and life.

it's one of those drowsy sundays.
rainy. chilly. beginning of fall.

lately: life's been life.

[picture above and below: taken by rachel on wednesday:]

i'm on page 4 of black. reading it with a friend. :)                                   
also, skim-reading this book by john van epp. i cannot for the life of me remember which blogger mentioned it in one of her posts . . . but i thought it sounded interesting enough, and indeed, he does have some very interesting points to make.

i . . . just brewed some coffee. a breakfast blend, even though i woke up hours ago, have been to church, held that sweet zechariah, sung this song with my sister anna, went to a family-like potluck. fell asleep on the 40 minute drive home. sleeping on a rainy day is a bad idea for me; i wake up feeling weird, disoriented, and just weird.
random songs by iron and wine are playing now, and i'm . . . reading different stuff and writing thoughts about children and God and dreams. it's not as me-centered as that sounds.
i just love realizing how, after reading different sites and everything, most of my thoughts toward men/women and children and ideas of life would be considered labeled ______ by some people. feministic, by some. conservative, by others. but even that some people would look down on me for my thoughts and views, and judge me and try to change it all . . . it leaves me feeling very unsettled about what they're inadvertently or purposefully labeled, themselves. especially if i know they believe in, say, the same God as i do. because then we come down to the beliefs we fence Him in with; our perceptions; the boxes we've created over time and we think He lives in them. mhmm. right. the resurrected son of God doesn't live in any box we create full of our ideas mixed with a bit of His simple piercing truth, complicated by our pride and confusion.

vegan fettucine
8 cloves of garlic [minced]
saute in water until green.
add:
1 can of coconut milk
3/4 tsp pepper
3/4 tsp nutmeg
1 tsp salt
4 squeezes of fresh lemon
1/4 cup parmesan cheese
cook until it thickens a bit.
serve on fettucine or spaghetti :)
and . . . enjoy!
surprisingly, yes, we all love this.
it's just a key thing to have it right then, hot and fresh.
it starts to taste not-too-stellar when it gets lukewarm.
:)

ah, this mozzie quote makes me miss white collar.
the second season should be coming in at the library any day now . . .

love is a temporary madness,it erupts like an earthquake and then subsides.

or:
paranoia is a skill, the secret to longevity.
[mozzie]

ohhh my....make me laugh. his delivery of these quotes really does make them.

what's going on with your sunday? your week? :)