there is joy at the end.

oh, hi.
i didn't plan on coming around here to type anything anytime soon.
but here i am.
a few hours ago, the thought of blogging was completely...resistible.
i don't want to blog.
i don't want to blog because whitney would comment on the link i'd post in my facebook, and she'd say "can't wait to see your face again! you should visit!" and other stuff like that.
i don't want to blog because the thought of everyone knowing what my christmas and new years was like does not sound good to me.
i want to keep it to myself, and those who lived it with me.
those i lived it with.
i don't want to blog because eventually i'll have to write things like "____" and then it'll be published on my blog, and then those words will die away, and they'll be written and stamped on the internet, on my blog, they'll be reread and remembered, as if reality wasn't good enough to remember and do that.

nonna. whitney. also known as justin's mom. (holding her first grandbaby girl in august when i visited.)
she died in the wee hours of december 26, 2012. short notice, health decline from a virus to something more odd and extreme within a few days.
her life was entwined in so many people's lives with so much love --for Jesus and for people, no matter what-- and therefore, so many were touched by the joy of who she was, and all those people now feel that certain element of emptiness.
i don't think there's been a week in my life yet that hasn't held a day where i haven't questioned God why?
but He's giving me peace. slowly. i'll see her again. and she's watching us from up there with Him. i like thinking that. sometimes it helps a lot.
but because it's only been (nearly) a month, when this song featured below comes on --because i just searched it; i love the words-- my throat squeezes up uncontrollably and i can't breathe; i feel the emotions and helplessness and pain of that early december 26th morning around 3am creep over my entire body, when anna pushed play on the song after justin got the call from his brother and sister about the news.

and even though He's giving me peace slowly, my heart still hurts and i miss her... because over the past year, her and i grew closer and closer, and she was such an encouragement to me.

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say:

My child you are finally home.
Sing, O son of Zion,

Shout, O child of mine 

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind 

For you are finally home
I've been waiting to watch you realize 

What all your longing was for 

And I've been waiting to show you the thread of grace 

That ran through all your pain
And I've been waiting to let you drink the water of which 

Your greatest joy on earth was just a taste 

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say 

My child you are finally home.

 me and whitney, august 2012.

pictures from visits down with them in the summer of 2012. ♥
her tortillas are amazing.

i'm marrying her son.
(sarah helped us do a photoshoot for our parents christmas present....on. christmas. day.
he spent christmas eve and christmas day up here in wisconsin with us.)

i'm best friends with her daughter. have been for almost 12 years, i believe. pj is due in march with her first, and i'm going to be at the birth. i can't wait to see the little guy. nonna whitney was predicting it to be a boy...

her husband, brad, is going to be the officiator on our wedding day.

brad and their second grandbaby girl... :)

me and grandma eva, whitney's mom. i love her. :) i stayed with them for two weeks after justin and i made the roadtrip down there in the early afternoon of december 26. grandma eva told me "good morning, sunshine!" every morning. she's a doll.
it's beautiful how God made it so that we all can see glimpses of whitney in each other. because she gave us all a part of herself.

one of the songs giving me the comfort of truth. 

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. 

In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! 

For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

[john 16:33]

even though things in life can be completely out of the realm of understanding for our hearts and minds, life here in this world is going to be flawed and full of pain and bitter-sweetness as times. seasons are going to suck. but there is going to be complete joy at the end. here, at the end of all things. we have hope. if nothing else, we know we have hope in the end. i hope in my God.
♥

birth [photography] and story: henry.

i do believe i'm going to go mostly with black and white.

but some of the daytime photos need to be posted in color. :)
so.
onto the story.
we got a call at around 4:30pm.
we were on the road by 5.
got there around 6:10pm.
the sweet girl with the camera is julie's eldest, hannah. :)
and there's mom, giving julie some essential oils {therapeutic grade: young living dist. #1237953} to rub on her belly.
41.5 weeks? mhmmm.

michelle, julie's friend and doula, tickling little gus.
gus was such a cute mama's boy.

the pool.
:) isn't it awesome?
[yeah, it's just a pool from toys r us. it worked beautifully.]

gotta love a boy who shares his books! ;)

daddy [mike] and the twin girls: lila and gracie. and gus again. cutie. :)
watching finding nemo. yeppers. love that movie.

this is what happens when you're pregnant and in labor: you get massages.
all day.
looking back on these photos, i'm almost jealous:)
but maybe someday that kind of day will come for me. :)

the amazing woman part of the birth crew. :) michelle: doula. rosie: midwife.
it was so cool to see them do their stuff; beautiful things i've only read about and seen videos on for the past 10 years.
okay, not all of 10 years. i mean, it's been 10 years since i've seen a birth in person. that was lyddie, my youngest sibling. just in the past few years have i seen some inspiring/informative birth films.

this last one: orange juice and castor oil, anyone? :)
she drank it like a trooper. golly.

what time is it?
ohhh....time for pizza. :)

♥

i love the sunlight here.

♥

sweetness.

a massage of clary sage . . .

meanwhile, the sun was working on setting . . .

michelle was such a cute lady. and so nice, too. this is another yummy castor oil/orange juice potion in the making.

me and i-honestly-can't-remember-which-twin. :) please forgive me.

8:30pm.
decaf vanilla-almond coffee. *grin*

around 9, the childrens were put to bed . . . julie tried to rest . . .
{and found out she was around 2-3 centimeters. pretty discouraging, considering there were 3 days in a row before this that she experienced on-and-off labor, including all day this day: thursday may 26.}
and me, emma, and hannah took a few shots in the mirror.

mmmmm.
10:30pm.
caramel brownie ice cream time.
oil of frankincense massage for julie . . . starting to do stair laps.
more intense contractions. starting to vocalize now.
gosh, this was amazing to see.

bottom picture: rosie, getting tired of my camera always on and clicking. el oh el. ;)

this was my first super-big moment of revelation of how amazing doula's are.
my heart may have swelled with pride a little at the thought of my sister, anna, being there like this for women.
♥

reflection.

mmmmm. that's some great tea!

somewhere between 12am-1am we filled up the pool and she got in.
i guess the hot water around and supporting her made a lot of the contractions just sweep away.
pretty awesome.

transition.
yeah, it tends to be a pretty intense time.
as i shot one after the other, i was praying for her under my breath, totally amazed (in every definition of the word) at what exactly was happening.
a new little human . . . being brought into this world.
stunning!

and at 3:07am, friday, may 27 2011, henry came.

♥

the beautiful family, sans sleeping gus. :)

while mama julie got out of the pool after delivering the placenta in quick timing, michelle held baby henry.

mhmmm. total love.

skin-to-skin bonding is the most beautiful thing.

by this time, it was 4:14am.

and the sun was rising.
ohmyword. beautiful.

around 10am, after a few hours of sleep.
gosh, that floor was comfy. at that hour, a pillow and blanket is all you need.

and for the shot i really cherish:
;)

♥
*breathe deep*

i tell you: sweetness!!
and being a bit overdue-ish according to dates calculated, he was born with some ultra-cute chub.

and we celebrated with some delicious homemade cinnamon coffee cake [made by hannah] for breakfast with cinnamon coffee... oh so good.
to henry's family: thank you so much again for letting me be a part of that beautiful day!
julie, you're so amazing. and so blessed. but i know you know that. ;)
♥
the end.

ending:
this is what crazy baby people do.
stay up till nearly 1 . . . and wake up at 7. aaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!
*chants* : i will not be a zombie when i watch the kiddos [sam and reese] tomorrow. i will drink coffee. and pray i stay alert. amen. :)