there is joy at the end.

oh, hi.
i didn't plan on coming around here to type anything anytime soon.
but here i am.
a few hours ago, the thought of blogging was completely...resistible.
i don't want to blog.
i don't want to blog because whitney would comment on the link i'd post in my facebook, and she'd say "can't wait to see your face again! you should visit!" and other stuff like that.
i don't want to blog because the thought of everyone knowing what my christmas and new years was like does not sound good to me.
i want to keep it to myself, and those who lived it with me.
those i lived it with.
i don't want to blog because eventually i'll have to write things like "____" and then it'll be published on my blog, and then those words will die away, and they'll be written and stamped on the internet, on my blog, they'll be reread and remembered, as if reality wasn't good enough to remember and do that.

nonna. whitney. also known as justin's mom. (holding her first grandbaby girl in august when i visited.)
she died in the wee hours of december 26, 2012. short notice, health decline from a virus to something more odd and extreme within a few days.
her life was entwined in so many people's lives with so much love --for Jesus and for people, no matter what-- and therefore, so many were touched by the joy of who she was, and all those people now feel that certain element of emptiness.
i don't think there's been a week in my life yet that hasn't held a day where i haven't questioned God why?
but He's giving me peace. slowly. i'll see her again. and she's watching us from up there with Him. i like thinking that. sometimes it helps a lot.
but because it's only been (nearly) a month, when this song featured below comes on --because i just searched it; i love the words-- my throat squeezes up uncontrollably and i can't breathe; i feel the emotions and helplessness and pain of that early december 26th morning around 3am creep over my entire body, when anna pushed play on the song after justin got the call from his brother and sister about the news.

and even though He's giving me peace slowly, my heart still hurts and i miss her... because over the past year, her and i grew closer and closer, and she was such an encouragement to me.

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say:

My child you are finally home.
Sing, O son of Zion,

Shout, O child of mine 

Rejoice with all your heart and soul and mind 

For you are finally home
I've been waiting to watch you realize 

What all your longing was for 

And I've been waiting to show you the thread of grace 

That ran through all your pain
And I've been waiting to let you drink the water of which 

Your greatest joy on earth was just a taste 

I've been waiting for the day when at last I get to say 

My child you are finally home.

 me and whitney, august 2012.

pictures from visits down with them in the summer of 2012. ♥
her tortillas are amazing.

i'm marrying her son.
(sarah helped us do a photoshoot for our parents christmas present....on. christmas. day.
he spent christmas eve and christmas day up here in wisconsin with us.)

i'm best friends with her daughter. have been for almost 12 years, i believe. pj is due in march with her first, and i'm going to be at the birth. i can't wait to see the little guy. nonna whitney was predicting it to be a boy...

her husband, brad, is going to be the officiator on our wedding day.

brad and their second grandbaby girl... :)

me and grandma eva, whitney's mom. i love her. :) i stayed with them for two weeks after justin and i made the roadtrip down there in the early afternoon of december 26. grandma eva told me "good morning, sunshine!" every morning. she's a doll.
it's beautiful how God made it so that we all can see glimpses of whitney in each other. because she gave us all a part of herself.

one of the songs giving me the comfort of truth. 

I have told you these things, so that in Me you may have [perfect] peace and confidence. 

In the world you have tribulation and trials and distress and frustration; but be of good cheer [take courage; be confident, certain, undaunted]! 

For I have overcome the world. [I have deprived it of power to harm you and have conquered it for you.]

[john 16:33]

even though things in life can be completely out of the realm of understanding for our hearts and minds, life here in this world is going to be flawed and full of pain and bitter-sweetness as times. seasons are going to suck. but there is going to be complete joy at the end. here, at the end of all things. we have hope. if nothing else, we know we have hope in the end. i hope in my God.
♥

the best weekend. ever. ever. eeeeever. :]

well, this is the follow up post that i promised to those dears that commented on the last post.

thursday night was pretty darn good.
they [justin, jonathon, and jacklyn] arrived at 7:30; an hour or two earlier than i was guessing at first, since it's a 6 hour drive and it was, after all, thanksgiving. family gatherings and all, ya know. 


friday was awesome.

i read a chapter of 12 + me to rach, jacklyn, and lyddie until 1am.
anna, jonathon, justin and i went to meet martha, where she was ringing bells with her mum for the salvation army . . . it was a gorgeous day, but oh so cold and windy.
we sat at caribou coffee for a bit; laughed over swing dance stories and people we've met there and stories from the restaurant where anna works, and a song title that neither anna nor i could finish saying.

when we got home, we made vegetarian tacos, and then lyd challenged justin to a game of war with cards, and a complicated string of games took place. lyddie, mostly winning . . . laughing at her brilliance and/or good luck. ah, dramatic siblings. ;)
we took a short trip to church to practice dance with me, it being the special we did today.
after practice, i napped in a pew and the guys were awesome and set up some trees for Christmas decorations . . .
we came home, the guys had an adventurous game of air soft in our front and back yard [ahem]... 

then we parted ways [guys to gram's house and me upstairs] and two of us got fancied up.
you might be able to guess.
well, some of you. ;)

you're welcome for the gif.

mhmm. i guess i should come out and say it now, shouldn't i??
meet my boyfriend.
justin.
:)
he happens to be the younger brother of my best friend, pj, whose family we've known for about 10 years.
he's hilarious. sweet. plays drums. loves God and people.
i kinda really like him.

we went to the restaurant for dinner around 5:30. stopped by to see chelsea and her husband [good friends from bible study] so he could meet them... :)
anna got a few pictures of us with the handy dandy flash on my camera. 

after a lovely discount because anna works there; a while of eating great appetizers and gelato; lots of talking and getting to meet all the people who anna's been telling me amusing stories about these past couple months . . . we headed home around 8:30.

the family was playing spoons when we arrived.
so what do we do when we get in there? sit down and start playing.

 photo cred: ma seester, rach.

then someone requested a dessert.
so, what do i do?

i start making those famed pumpkin cake bars. ;)

after the 'rents went to bed, we all headed over to gram's house to watch wolverine with a borrowed projector on an empty wall.

mum came to give us a container of the bars that had finished baking . . . someone pushed pause on the movie, and i don't even have to describe how fast they were devoured by all the siblings. i stepped into the kitchen to find several of them rubbing their stomachs. rachel told me i shouldn't
have made them; they were so naughty...hah.

because of the impending arrival of early waking time for some farm work bonding with dad and cousin david, justin went to bed around 11:30 and the rest of us finished the movie.

the guys came home just before 10, cleaned up nice, and then i watched the first half hour or so of the green lantern with them and the sisters at gram's . . . came home with justin around 11:30am to start lunch: chicken curry.

after chicken curry, anna, jonathon, caleb, justin and i headed off to meet heather, derek, steph and casey [and ryan and michaela] at a coffee shop for a couple hours.
hilarious time over coffee. :)
some of them got to razzing me, and after some comfortable conversation and teasing from everyone, even justin, about some amusing things and quirks of mine, heather gave a few of her cents: "i approve of justin; he gives beka a hard time!"
hah. hah. thanks. i approve of him, too.

sadly, i don't have any pictures on my camera of the gathering; i'm waiting on casey to post some pictures on fb so i can save a few for the date. hence the lack of photos right now for saturday afternoon out. stay tuned for an update.
. . . when we got home from the coffee shop, i washed dishes and justin dried . . . he's kind of an awesome dish-washing partner. ;)

sarah, justin, eliyah and zechariah came over after they got some house-hunting done. it was all good. :)

justin holding not-so-little zechariah.

. . . fill in the blank. :) 

soon enough, i started on making one pan of lasagna while another pan from a friend sat, warming, in the oven. a pan of chocolate cake may have went into the oven, too.
right before everyone started arriving, we both sat down on the kitchen rug against the cupboards and closed our eyes. i'm lucky enough to have second and third winds; he was hitting rock bottom from his day starting at 3:45am --all good stuff, though of course quite tiring-- and sadly, he doesn't have second winds as to my knowledge yet. super freaking early mornings do that to a person, i guess. :P we're going to have to try to change that . . .

grandma and grandpa t. came over; so did uncle bob, cousin david, and david-cito.
talk about the most wonderful party ever.
afterwards, justin and i started washing dishes --him, drying--

as you can tell, saturday was jam-packed and a grand, lovely time.
grandma t brought a pan full of her famous apple slices.
everyone loved that. :)
after the eating and clearing the table was done; we started doing dishes.
grandma t came by our side. "can i help dry? or wash the dishes?"
me: "uh....the position's already filled..." [insert smile here]
grandma: "are you saying you don't want my help?!"
we all laugh.
grandma: "well?" [smiling expectantly] 
me: "well....i guess i could let you do the silverware." huh. my least favorite part of washing dishes.
grandma: "alright! put the plug in and get some water and soap in that sink!"
i stepped back and didn't return to my place until after the dishes were all done . . .

how could i interrupt that?!

it was a darling sight.
to be sure. :)

when everyone left, tiredness hit us again.
someone snapped a picture of it for posterity, obviously, or else this picture wouldn't be here. ;)

rach and jacklyn amused themselves with blogger and youtube vids by julian smith and playing classics by colbie and jason mraz --lucky; i'm yours. you know; the classics. ;)

then, lyddie challenged him to another round of war.

oy. i swear, it's his favorite game ever now; that utterly amusing littlest sister of mine cracked us up [and herself while she was at it] endlessly while she beat him once again with the cards.

all us siblings went over to gram's to watch a movie . . . then someone suggested charades.

everyone was brilliant.
i don't mean to steal the spotlight that everyone envies, but i sincerely sucked.

he asked me to shoot him. :)
[didn't you?? ;) ]
turns out, it was a scene from a film i haven't seen . . . the matrix.

yay for motion shots. lol.
because there was church the next day . . . and supposedly sleep is a necessity . . . us girlies went home to sleep and the guys had some chill time. 

sunday was full and beautiful and more sweet than bittersweet.
there was a ton of meeting people . . . so much of our church is just like family; so, of course, all these people got to meet who they'd been hearing about, and vice versa.

pretty little jacklyn :)

when we came home from church, we had lunch . . . then they packed up . . .
then it was picture time.

rach got into photog mode after her little rampage of funness in the car.

us at the park while they were having fun.

. . . now we know what it is to be on the other side of the camera.
it's not that bad. ;)

as i said on fb, my younger sister, rach, is brilliant. she almost fell off the bench edge getting this of her own inspiration. :]

shoe photo credit: anna. :D

today was the coldest day of this whole weekend. hence the fingerless gloves. but hoods off for pictures.

left to right: ben, caleb, anna, rach, jonathon, justin, me, jacklyn, lyddie.

all of us :)

the men.

the ladies.

and . . . see-you-later's . . .

thus ended a very wonderful weekend.

how was your thanksgiving? :)

life.

weekends are for:
ignoring your blogger account and lazing around.

watching your sisters enjoy zumba in the town square. hah.

and strolling through the booths with dad.

getting coffee with a dollar pawned off the younger brother, and a couple quarters from a great uncle.
missing the whole family in southern illinois.
and the sweetie who was born while anna and i were down there.

a new container of italian roast by trader joe's. we haven't had it for probably a month.

early wednesday morning, october 5

lots of thoughts.

phil joel music. randomly.

and that's the end of a post written on a very interesting sunday evening. sigh. :)