....faded from those far off dreams of europe and urban lofts and fill-in-the-blank greatness, and more vivid and present in the absolute loveliness of this worthy moment full of the steadfast. the hard and the beautiful.
God.
love.
time.
...because time is always there; it's steadfast, also.
olafur arnolds music. ♥
We dream no longer of urban lofts on busy streets. We don't even dream of being important. We find ourselves learning to let go. We don't dream of overseas adventures often nor do we dream of fame and fortune. Being busy seems rather overrated.
We dream of old farmhouses surrounded by trees that have a tire swing. We dream of gardens and family homesteads. We dream of big family with happy chaos and barefoot summers. We dream of roots going down, growing old together. We dream of a simple and slower life together, close to each other all of our days.
[this was a draft from a few months ago that i decided to publish. weirdly enough, blogger let me upload a picture?! i have yet to officially check out my options and buy something, because this week has been crazy busy but good. same for next week, so it might be july before i post next:P heh. have a grand june!]
have i said lately how much i love the taste of coffee?
and the color of the sky no matter what season it is.
and the feeling of being able to sit under the shade of a mature maple on the most perfect day of the week so far.
my leather amplified bible in front of me on the grass, open to the book of james.
sunshine. layers and branches full of leaves glowing with it.
and the feel of getting up from grass you thought was dry, that feeling of everything being damp. lol.
like childhood. i don't sit on the grass very much anymore.
bugs. chairs are better. the ground is . . . not as convenient.
just . . . i don't do it much.
but ah, the feeling of this afternoon . . .
crazy beautiful weather, the gift of coffee ;), a breeze whispering over pages [like james 2], and laughing over all sorts of random stuff that comes up when i'm talking to justin on the phone. discussing some verses that stunned me. like this one. and why or why not people talk about it, preach on it.
i rambled about something odd that if i told it to anyone else, they would give me that look. the one that says heh, beka....you're crazy. just kiiiiinda weird....
and i am.
but i'm just thankful that some people [ahem, very few, very rare] accept and even appreciate --gasp! even love?-- the fact that i am . . . me.
i just feel so lucky it's him.
some days really suck to be long distance. actually, all days do. and as time goes on and we get closer, talk about and open up about different stuff and dream all over the place with hopes and logic combined, it really hurts some days to be apart. to have only the phone and sometimes, once in a while, skype to connect us between the one weekend a month-ish that works out to see each other in person.
[take yesterday for example. a perfectly good day. everything was going great. no huge drama or anything. but inside? inside i could. not. stop. missing. him. i'm not usually so melancholy at every turn as i was yesterday. so.....i'm super thankful for today. a lot more free, positive mood. still miss him, but it's not horrible at the moment. lol.]
then again . . . there are some days, you're just so thankful for the utter blessing of someone who truly loves you, and takes you on your good, bad, weird, freak-out, lazy, fantastic, and horrible days. and vice versa. [obviously, i'm no where near perfect:P]
and that's when you find yourself laughing at jokes and teases as you ignore the fact that there are bugs in the grass all around you and there are a lot of things yet to fall into place in this time before that blessed day, but still . . . you just know that it'll all be perfectly wonderful in the end. [reminds me of that joy set before youscripture. so much hope, even though we may go through so many trials on the way to it!]
really tough at times, but then that's life.
and the tough times will be okay because we'll be together and God is always with us. and He knows all that's in store. how we're going to draw closer to Him through it all, as our lives are washed with His grace.
through the valleys and the storms.
through dashed hopes and fulfilled hopes.
through conflict and peace and every.single.bit.of.it.
~~~
wow. a post without pictures.
yes. i survived and posted without pictures.
so.....here we go. i need to figure out what i want to do about that storage issue. thanks to all you who put in their two cents of how you do it! :)
i believe they are nearly-just-about-most-likely the most important thing in this life.
relationships take muscles.
guts.
heart.
feelings.
investment.
choosing.
sincerity.
time.
patience.
all the fruits of the Spirit.
prayer.
openness.
gratitude.
lenience.
silliness.
coffee. ;)
dreaming.
and marriage...
is one of the most important relationships some of us will ever be blessed to grow in.
sometimes it hits me and i battle wonder and disbelief that, put simply, before i turned 20, i met the one for me.
the one i want to learn, love, and live life with.
the next line is found at the end of this post by ladaisi.
(Love: figuring life out together.) ~~~
the next paragraph or two is from a post found here.
excerpt:
Our one certainty: We are in this together. And you will make me cry and I will make you furious and we will laugh and live the best we can. We always make it work. Because when the dust clears we are left standing here with the each other and the truth. No other could love me as you do. No other could love you as I do.
I’ll ask “I’m stuck with you, aren’t I?” and your eyes will narrow and your lips will turn up at the corners and you’ll say “Afraid so, babe.” and it’s a beautiful thing to realize every.single.time.
i have 601 published posts and 22 drafts. i haven't been posting at a normal or decent record lately. just a few facts for you.
makes me happy posts.
pretty darn inspiring.
especially considering the facts that i'm looking forward to so many things, learning to rest in trusting God and His timing and just who He is, but i've started to let little things slip away.
so. with no further delay . . .
things that have made me ridiculously happy this week:
the smile my younger sister/s gives me when we share a sibling moment telling each other 'you're weird'.
and the laughing that comes afterwards.
the morning's hot shower. that feeling of a new day starting. clean.
the freshly-cleaned off kitchen counter. my ocd tendencies satisfied.
the loud, obnoxious hum of the coffee grinder in my hands. anticipation and enjoyment of my obsession. :)
attempting to accomplish how many push ups while the coffee brews. exercise, keeping in shape, who's heard of it? psh....not me.....
the sound of someone's really tired voice on the phone at the end of a long day... and the good-natured argument over when exactly he should go to sleep because he's so exhausted, or if he should stay up like he wants to/wishes.
the laughing that comes when either person wins the argument.
how about you? what has been making you ridiculously happy this week?
And God's peace [shall be yours, that tranquil state of a soul assured of its salvation through Christ, and so fearing nothing from God and being content with its earthly lot of whatever sort that is, that peace] which transcends all understanding shall garrison and mount guard over your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
You say you will never forget where you were when you heard the news on September 11, 2001. Neither will I.
I was on the 110th floor in a smoke filled room with a man who called his wife to say "Goodbye." I held his fingers steady as he dialed. I gave him the peace to say, "Honey, I am not going to make it, but it is OK ... I am ready to go." I was with his wife when he called as she fed breakfast to their children. I held her up as she tried to understand his words and as she realized he wasn't coming home that night.
I was in the stairwell of the 23rd floor when a woman cried out to Me for help. "I have been knocking on the door of your heart for 50 years!" I said. "Of course I will show you the way home - only believe on Me now."
I was at the base of the building with the Priest ministering to the injured and devastated souls. I took him home to tend to his Flock in Heaven. He heard my voice and answered.
I was with the Firefighters, the Police Officers, the Emergency Workers. I was there, watching each brave step they took.
I was on all four of those planes, in every seat, with every prayer. I was with the crew as they were overtaken. I was in the very hearts of the believers there, comforting and assuring them that their faith has saved them.
I was in Texas, Kansas, London. I was standing next to you when you heard the terrible news. Did you sense Me?
I want you to know that I saw every face. I knew every name - though not all know Me. Some met Me for the first time on the 86th floor. Some sought Me with their last breath. Some couldn't hear Me calling to them through the smoke and flames; "Come to Me...this way...take My hand." Some chose, for the final time, to ignore Me. But, I was there.
I did not place you in the Tower that day. You may not know why, but I do. However, if you were there in that explosive moment in time, would you have reached for Me?
September 11, 2001 was not the end of the journey for you. But someday your journey will end. And I will be there for you as well.
Seek Me now while I may be found. Then, at any moment, you know you are "ready to go." I will be in the stairwell of your final moments.
~~~ God ~~~
[credit: ??? a friend shared this on facebook; her sister had found it.]
10 years ago
...i was a clueless 10 year old waking up to my two older siblings, anna and ben, talking about a plane crashing into a building. we ran downstairs and saw the rest happen on tv. i was oblivious to the real impact of it all.
what about you?
slept in, made coffee, started sauteing minced onions and garlic, and flew out the door to make dilly beans with gramma t [dad's mom] and her sister, aunt joann.
turns out aunt joann is younger than gramma t by around 13 years.
crazy!
imagine that!!
and, since aunt joann seems to like flavored coffee, i brought over the last of our french caramel cream coffee . . . we sipped it as we did the beans; we take it the same way. just a bit of milk. no sugar, no thanks. :)
lyddie and one of gramma's younger brothers, uncle eugene. :)
that's a goose-pepper stick in lyd's mouth, acting as a cigar. stranger things have happened.
in fact, you can quote her.
"there's nothing like a cigar and a hot cup of fresh coffee after a hard day's work."
um. er. yes. we've got a drama queen on our hands.
no joke, right?
for some reason, this shot reminds me of clark gable for some reason . . .
which is kind of an odd thought, when i type it out like that.
10 year old sister + resemblance to clark gable = odd.
but i love her. and dang, if she can't pull off diverse character imitation.
heh.
6pm
i'm taking a slight break from making a pretty darn big dinner to write this.
hopefully i won't mismanage my time so awful tonight . . .
but gosh, i need a bit of writing therapy.
i came home from dilly-bean making to a kitchen that looked like hell.
i'm being frank here.
don't shout me down or anything.
it's my blog, after all.
my idea of a personal hell is a room --a nice kitchen-- that is in a perpetual state of
food, kitchens, and people all day and suddenly 13 green peppers to dice; and rice to cook [it takes a long time]; and chicken to cook after it thaws . . . er.
i liked the first half of today.
i like the fact that sometimes, when life gets intense and the only thing keeping you away from a completely bad mood is a certain song by a questionable music artist, God, in His oh-so-goodness, has friends remind you how to smile.
especially when it's an inconsequential problem.
He's just so good like that.
peeling garlic with a sharp little knife, because i'm just handy like that. :P haha.
8:19pm
[after dinner is made and done . . . and most of the kitchen looking quite decent.]
back to earlier, though.
there's nothing like kitchen conversations.
nothing.
:)
the best thing about gramma's house is that it sits on top of a hill, the kitchen sink window is huge, and the wind comes right through. it's a beautiful feeling.
gramma t teased aunt joann about having 100-something boyfriends before she met uncle bob...turns out there were only 6 or so. ;) and gramma? she had maybe 2 before she met grampa and married him at 18. he was 4 years older. :)
lyddie; aunt joann; rach; gramma t; me:)
talk about a good time; watching sisters laugh; one in her late 50's, the other in her mid 70's . . . years after being raised in a family with around 10 children [if my memory serves me correctly...heheh.], kids, grandkids, and a couple great-grandkids later: making dilly beans in the kitchen.
"someday this'll be you girls! helping each other in the kitchen when you're all much older. years down the road."
i took off the bean ends with aunt joann and our small, sharp knives, and sorted straight from super-curvy; gramma t, rach, and lyd soaked and stuff the beans into jars. then, we put in some dill; a clove or two of garlic....and some cayenne pepper and more dill seed. next, it was off to the boiling pot with the covers screwed on. :)
gramma t:)
all in all, 40 jars.
my first time helping gramma can anything.
and what a day :)
~~~
now for something interesting that a cup of jo posted. :)
also, on the other hand: it's almost time to get some wild socks. :) chilly weather is closing in on us!
for love would be love of the wrong thing; there is yet faith, but the faith and the love and the hope are all in the waiting.
[T. S. Eliot] if i read this a few more times, i might understand it . . .
the sun shines through the window.
like gold and amber, crystallized dust.
with that, and "home" sung as a cover by the
dad/daughter on youtube, in the present moment my
throat tightens.
pulling the bag of decaf columbian coffee towards me
without more than a single thought, i sigh.
comfort. warmth. something steady and faithful and
always satisfying. like God.
talking to God and drinking coffee.
"so...what's the problem?" lyd asks me.
she's a pretty darn sensitive child.
and a little too much like me for my own comfort.
"well, you see...once you're twenty and older, you just
kinda....get tired. and..."
pouring the coffee grounds, a nice mound into the
coffee filter, i think. and think.
"and you start to want someone. someone to hold your
hand...just...someone." i smack the coffee maker top
down and press the on button.
she nods. looks at me with fluttery eyes. "yep. i get it."
oh, what a wistful tone. where did she learn that from?
she sighs and smiles sypmathetically at me.
"it must stink to be twenty."
oh. okay. sure. i guess so. i mean, pros and cons to
every age and anything else, right?
20 isn't too bad most days. home.
this song...just the sound of it curls up around my
heart.
i just need to curl up around His heart... and refocus
around different things after i get my pain,
loneliness and frustration out. sounds short and right.
let's see how much distraction i have to walk by
before i settle into the right place.
i love the look of watercolors.
pretty sure that's what this canvas was . . . unless i diluted acrylics. hmm. i've done either and achieved about the same effects.
i'm feeling quite wordless today.
all you get is a[nother] quote to ponder for your every dayness.
Kindness is in our power, even when fondness is not.
[Samuel Johnson]
little sisters. they're always on the list.
though i don't have a really recent picture of rach and me, but today she made some awesome, homemade vanilla ice cream while mom, lyd and me were gone taking jen and pj back down south a ways.
that ice cream was addicting. especially since we hardly ever have ice cream. talk about double vanilla! i'm realizing i have a thing for good vanilla flavors lately.
healing cuts from a breaking-china-plate. i like it when it finally starts healing up and doesn't hurt anymore. i just realized i am typing this post with virtually no typos; my finger is doing a grand job once again. :)
what is your background picture lately?
this one, i took behind church's building a week or so ago.
talk about beautiful.
{a canvas i painted for pj...her birthday's coming up:)}
tuesday
there are so many words i can't begin to type right now, about the 2-ish days we got to spend with jen and pj up here with us. ahhh. just...God is so good. :)
the title was a warning.
a warning that i'm going to be random.
er, well, more random than is normal.
hah.
1. first of all, we had a really lovely short service at church today because the choir, a hodge podge of beautiful people and coordinating voices, sang specials for palm sunday.
then we went downstairs and i pulled shots of espresso for the cafe type thing we have.
2. we came home around noon, and were looking through the paper...
came across this: ^^ it sparked discussion and and . . . well, discussion.
pros and cons. which one anna/me like better. after reading (er, remembering) that right guy on the right--hemsworth-- is aussie, i chose him. i've always dreamed of marrying an aussie.
too bad we don't know any aussie's......shoot.
dad: "i'm going up to take a nap. there's too many women hormones down here."
bwahahahahahhaha.
in the end, though? i finished the article to the note of this: hemsworth is married.
i told anna, and she concluded with oh well, a girl can hope and dream.
i stared at her. ummmm.... anna?
yeah, both of us are well-versed in sarcasm and all that sort.
this beautiful, beautiful morning.
3. now we're watching the a-team.
gosh, murdoch never fails to crack. me. up.
:)
and stitching a lightning bolt into a dude's arm? for real?
4. after anna wakes up from her nap and i finish this post, we might put in a sincere favorite by hallmark: front of the class. it was anna who suggested the film, after the calmed discussion ending with hemsworth married. el oh el:)
5. supposedly, around 5:30 my time today, there's going to be live-streaming of a concert on this site.
i wish i could be there --it's free for goodness sake-- but hopefully the live-streaming is good. i'm excited. :)
6. my guest post is coming up tomorrow at chambanachik. :)
7. to answer the crazy thing i told you guys not to guess; the number of pictures i took at the civil wars concert i blogged about.... i took about 560.
don't blink. don't scream. you read that right. half of a thousand. granted, i had to switch my camera to successive shutter action in order to get some good ones (which i did) but then i did get some blurry ones and extras, darker ones, etcetera. but it was worth it. and i've weeded it out. still need to do more weeding.
8. i'm grateful for this gorgeous day we've got-- the paper says to expect rain and 40's-50's all this week with rain. oh boy.
9. sickness sucks. a few family members just got over random crap, and a couple certain siblings with a bit of newfound/growing lactose intolerance had ear aches. i hate seeing people i love in pain. {especially when they're the younger ones in the family.} gosh it's painful. reallyreally.
wow, is this post about to take a turn. . . .
10. this crap in life, it's a tunnel, but there will be, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
but while you're in it, gosh....all you can think is i want this to be over.
we need to believe. and hold on to Him. and do what we can to come through it; to survive.
[i've cried to this song many a time. also, i love the song bell tower by this guy, ryan mcallister]
the thing is... he knows. he knows the pain. he's in it with us. he's been there. he's been lower, he's been higher, and He. loves. us. in the middle of everything. he's with us in everything... despite everything. whatever it may be right now probably sucks, a lot, but He is our light. at the end of that awful tunnel.
and going a little farther he fell on his face and prayed, saying, "My Father, if it be possible, let this cup pass from me; nevertheless, not as I will, but as you will."
[matthew 26:29]
this, and the context keeps going through my head. how did the Father hurt? how much? if i hurt this much when my little sister is having a heck of a time with something, how much did this Father full of love and justice hurt? and want to rescue his son? to hold him? when his son was down here, fully human, in. pain. so much that he was sweating, crying blood.
it makes me weep.
all of it.
this morning, in the shower (best place to pray, evah), i was thinking on some stuff cheryl(at the women's conference this weekend past) spoke on, of the Church, the story of Esther, worship -in spirit and in truth, His presence, and praying . . . oh, and marriage, too. last night my thoughts were slowly spinning about writing a post of what i feel are important things, to write and document, what i know is needed . . .
all of which i'm learning, learning, learning about . . .
her and francis chan have got to be the tip-top of my list of people who speak on christian stuff.
they tell the truth and dive into the living Word of God and how He's changing them, their hearts, how He's brought/bringing them along the journey of this life, not just formulas and rules and religion like some christian leaders tend to do.
it's amazing.
i just feel this deep place inside of me, simmering with a desire that the hearts of the people would be purified.
and that He would raise up in people the desire to act as the church, as His body, and to pray also.
the parallels she showed in the story of Esther opened my eyes to a need that reached deep and around me. to focus on Him with devotion. just as with marriage, a relationship with Jesus isn't just a part of your life; it revolutionizes, it changes it completely. your way of life is different than before you said those vows and moved in to make a life together.
wow.
so here's a song that i'm addicted to as of today, as it's been a while since i've been on a tenth avenue north kick. also, they're awesome live in concert. that concert i've yet to write about, even though it was march 3...and that was a while ago... so sorry.
. . .
like this beautiful cherry pie that anna made after we had vegetarian tacos for lunch:)
like the 6# of dark roast coffee that we got today. the quota had to be made, and not many people put in a good $$$ order... and it went down from the no-sale $25 per 2lb of last month's pricelist. yay!
like flowers.
rach and lyd have been busy-busy fascinated by making these clips/barrettes. the snapping kind. whatever that means.
but i may or may not be a model for them; they keep coming over and changing the flower in my hair as they make them. then i snap a picture with my webcam --crappy, i know;)-- and they grin. :)
so there we go. i love all the ones they've had me try, but have a thing for the yellow one with the turquoise button... hmmm. :)
kind of like this one, but different button:)
this is the one. yet to be glue-gunned to a barrett.
the stuff i wrote this morning after getting gram ready for the day and having a chat with her--rarity!--i'll post tomorrow. or something. it's life, real and raw, and it's been seemingly forever since i've posted about gram. it's just, who posts about the stuff so integrated in their day? so normal, such a part, just . . . .something you're used to? also, something that breaks some people's hearts. or could. if they knew all some people live through.
i think it's going to rain again.
this is the beginning of spring, isn't it? through the gloominess, the rain, the green coming from the ground will break through.
it's the valleys that change us. not the mountain tops.
create in me a clean heart, oh God . . .
[psalm 51:10]
