right. yeah. a different path.

i wish i could give everyone a good old random blog post, or something of interest to discuss or give an opinion on like the good old days of blogging regularly....
but i realized i'm still walking a certain path that's leading uphill right now. and has been for quite a few months.
it's a good road, but heck if it isn't showing me things about myself and changing me slowly...
God knows it's time i take time and realize what i'm learning and exactly the ways i still need to grow up and bloom in.

so....i'm not going to promise any blog posts anytime soon.
because i can't, obviously.
and i don't want to.
all i can muster these days is some pictures and a summarization and a stupid promise, anyways.

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i'm hitting pause here, but still reading blogs and commenting.
i need to make it through this certain path of uphill journey.
growing into myself.

[btw, i recommend reading this post of honesty and adventure by kelsey. it's inspiring to me.]

photo by pj :)

We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
[Eleanor Roosevelt]

5 things about today.

1. ohmyword! the smell of coffee grounds is absolutely amazing.
tomorrow would be one week since i've brewed it at home.
i  fell sick with a funky cold last friday....had a cup at church on sunday; had an americano at caribou coffee after wedding dress shopping monday night; and had a cup of coffee at church again wednesday night.
but there's truly nothing like brewing your own.
my word.

2. the reese boy. anna usually nannies this boy, but she's gone on a roadtrip to minnesota with two of the other siblings --my favorites: the hilarious ones, caleb and rach, until next wednesday.
this boy is playing with duplos. it's quiet time. he's 3. twenty minutes till he goes home with his daddy. we just got home from a 40 minute outing at the park. fresh air, warmer than our past week has been even though it's windy. [i'm putting up my hopes for an indian summer...]
he has shown me today exactly how hilarious and cute boys can be...you know, instead of just dangerous and quirky as i'd viewed them before. heck, i look forward to maybe having a boy or two.....maybe. especially if they're as cute as my love. ;) the world is so huge and detailed and simple to them all at once. i never knew a balloon could be explained like that before this morning.
...but when it comes to bathroom matters [like this one time today, for instance!], that's where it'll truly get fun. i have a feeling that might be one of my least favorite things about having kids...........

Source: tumblr.com via Alba on Pinterest

3. i'm going swing dancing tonight, with ben and martha. [since anna's gone. gone. gone.]
we're gonna have fun without her. she'll be swing dancing at her own friends-of-friends swing dancing hall tonight or tomorrow with a whole new crowd. heh.

4. chicken curry for dinner? sounds fantastic. over quick brown rice. mhmmm.

Source: eatdrinkchic.com via Beka on Pinterest

5. mum and i have been discussing and looking at tutorials for birdcage veils. i like the idea of one based on a headband. not a clip with a flower, or bobby pins...obviously i'm not having an elaborate updo; my hair won't be that long by then. lol. and not too much poufing. and not too much flowery embellishment. heh. i can't wait to make one! it's amazing the cost difference between $100-$200, or diy with things you can get from joann's or michael's for a total of under $30. heck. yeah.
[btw, did i mention that i found a dress monday night? yes. yes. yes. i like it a lot, and am so happy with my choice.]

p.s. coffee is good. and it's great to be able to taste it again. mmmm.

weddings and crap like that.

Source: ruffledblog.com via Beka on Pinterest

last night i had a weird dream.
part of it, i believe, was inspired by martha's detailed description of her date with ben out at this runway style show thing the other night.
my dream?
it included her picking out some horrendous rusty aubergine and gag-me shade of forest green dresses that cost somewhere between $200-$300 for us bridesmaids to buy and wear at their wedding.
thankfully....it's illogical and weird, considering she's trying her hardest to find a decent-priced, maybe swing-dancy, hopefully blue [maybe not] dress for us all to wear. lol.

it's fun.
weddings are fun.
just the teensiest bit of sarcasm in that. everyone who's been in or starred in or done a lot of background stuff in at least 1 or 2 weddings knows what i'm talking about, right? lol...

speaking of which....something exciting is happening tomorrow, and i can't post pictures. :P the ladies in my family, a few friends who are bridesmaids, and a super close family friend who is so adopted in [sarah;]...we are going dress shopping for me. [at david's bridal.]
yes.
dress.
shopping.
......super mucho fun. :)
i know quite a few women who went only with their mom or maybe one friend to dress shop, but with a few of our close friends [jen, heather, pj] it was the bride-friend and 2-7 girlfriends who were going to be in the wedding. all sitting outside of the dressing room....
so with that in mind, it seemed great in the past with those other many-persons-attending experiences......just hoping [last minute] that it'll be fine and cool and wonderful tomorrow night......
all i know is i need a lot of tea and rest today, and bring plenty of lozenges and wear something cute and comfy tomorrow. lol.

but now, for your amusement and contemplation and thought/input pleasure, here you go...
my status/question:

...what r.e.a.l.l.y. matters in the planning of a wedding?

        KB: Being authentic.....
        AL: Not to drive yourself crazy with it, because when the day comes, yes it will be great....but all you will really want is to get it done and be a Mrs. It's sounds harsh, and no, I ...See More
        ER: Saying how your heart feels thru your vows, and being yourself! After helping plan 2 weddings and working on another one, I've come to realize simplicity is the best. Don't run yourself ragged stressing about details!
        SE: you, justin, a preacher, a witness, and a marriage license.
        RLG: keeping your priorities straight. it helps if you divide everything into three catergories:
        1. bare bones can't live without
        2. nice to have but not necessary to life
        3. things that'd be nice to have but if you don't they won't be missed
        for me, photography is definitely in the bare bones can't live without category. favors for every table however, are not. it helps a lot with budgeting and saves you so many headaches you get from dealing with things that don't even matter anyway. i learned so much from planning a wedding the first time that i swear i'm going to have the simplest wedding ever... but i know it will be the most important things that me and my fiance will want. and it'll be much more stress free that way. just focus on what's important to you and your man and what really matters. not just that day, but what will you remember 10, 20, 50 years from that day? focus on those things and it'll truly be a celebration with moments that will last you a life time, instead of just an event you've worked on for months and is over in a few hours.
        ER: Honestly, think about how many weddings you've been to and remember every single last detail. not very many! Just let it be beautiful and fall together :-)
        CM: not flowers, dear. not flowers. they don't last. (but ♥ does!)
        SM: what YOU and JUSTIN want and think matters...
        SE: we got our marriage license the morning we got married (it's not allowed in illinois but it is in hawaii). we got married on the beach - the location was amazing, but it was where j was stationed. he wore clothes he already had - a white button down with sleeves rolled, and khaki shorts. i wore a little white beach dress that i got for $30 online. his friend is a good photographer so i handed him my camera. that's all we did for our actual wedding. i'd never have it any other way.
        Me: SE, all i can say is a whole-hearted agreeing "mhmmmmm". :)
        PT: What do you think r.e.a.l.l.y matters?
        Me: to put it vaguely.......i guess you might all heart/see what i think really matters someday. ;)
        PT: Once you find THE dress all that other stuff mostly falls in place. It's the years after that you should really be preparing for and not sure you can do that... :-)
        JS You two, the people you care about, and whatever you feel makes the day feel special. :)
        JS: food and you guys but most of all what you two want for your wedding and not everybody around you :)
        GZM: This might sound crazy, but, letting other people have what they want is really one of the best ideas. You get your fiancé, you get the photos in the end, but if your dad loves lemon cake, for example, order the lemon cake as a gift to him, and you'll both have sweet memories; he'll have contributed and will be proud, and truly, it's only one piece of cake. You can order raspberry cheese cake on your honeymoon. Same goes for flowers, colors, dresses, shoes, seating, food, etc.

blue.

so, this one time i bought a button down.
from maurice's.
it felt amazing, was a different style that i normally delve into, and it was in my favorite color.
so of course i bought it. lol.

after maurice's, i walked to panera and sat down with a chai tea latte and an orange scone. mmmmm. then i drove mum home from our lovely run of errands, and here i am.

my throat feels funny. i need some tea. and a nap. :P

some good things.

this chocolate.
a gift from my love.

this coffee, freshly brewed just for this moment on this drowsy, quiet, overcast, fall afternoon.
the ring i bought for justin, about to head off to cali for an exchange. different size needed. it's an awesome ring. i can't wait for him to see it someday.

me, the other night --friday early a.m., 

photographing a birth my sister was the doula at :)

my hair is growing out! just a few more months and trims away from an even bob. :)

Source: whoorl.com via Beka on Pinterest

i like the idea of this 'do.
the length, the layers, the...haha...the wave.

letters.
in the special book of borrow-back-and-forth-between-visits to each other.

random kitchen time and conversations and teasing.
long walks wearing hoodies and holding hands.
talking, talking, more talking and laughing.
on a sidenote: long hugs, too.

Source: modcloth.com via Beka on Pinterest

these. cuteness.

Source: buycaptainamericacostume.net via Beka on Pinterest

considering how much i like the movie of captain america, one of our boys someday should get this. hahaha.

Source: us.dorothyperkins.com via Beka on Pinterest

hmmm...love the ruffle. yes. yes.

Source: prettyinterior.blogspot.ie via Beka on Pinterest

love the style of this.

thus ends this post of grand things......isn't this almost like old times blogging? ;)

holy crap, it's autumn. :P

♥
this morning.
i didn't have coffee, but i had him.
he left at a little before 9. here's a paragraph from around 11am.

out of coffee.
soon to be remedied.
i need it. bad. this morning needs it. bad.
my love left this morning with his little sister jacklyn.
without coffee to give even some slight sort of comfort, you can imagine how the morning's been.................

thankfully, within 20 minutes of that, we had coffee back in the house, and it lent a tad bit of sanity and coping to the morning.

how are all the trees suddenly mostly orange?!
time has... truly.... flown. holy freakin' crap.

any commentary on this? it's from my brain.:

struggle and challenge and less-than-ideal times/moments/circumstances 
are not meant to be [and cannot be] avoided.

it's all found in how we handle those times;
they are how we have become who we are.