Saturday, June 25, 2011

clover and thoughts.

This week was full.
Sunday: bike ride to church for the first time.
Monday: cleaning the house, packing for a camping trip.
Tuesday: Gram’s funeral.
Wednesday till today when we came home: camping in our trailer.
And visiting with friends.
And going to a few services of a church conference.
Bike rides; long walks.
Had my first cup of cold brew coffee in the form of a 16oz English toffee iced latte with extra cold brew for less sweetness.
So today when we got home, Anna and I worked at the flea market for a while.
Then we came home for the first time in a while.
It was good.
And right now I wish tomorrow wasn’t Sunday. Because I want to sleep and sleep and not go anywhere and sleep and read some more.
But it is what it is. And I’ll be home and reading and napping before I know it. Time is like that.

I sliced mushrooms.
Anna mixed up this delicious pasta thang.
Creamy sauce. Cheese. Spinach. Pasta. Butter. Mushrooms. = Goodness. :)
As I was eating it; a second bowl after “real” dinner…she said “I wish Grammy could eat this. I know she’d like it. I wish she could’ve tried it; I know she would’ve eaten it.” The last 2 weeks she'd hardly eaten anything, but we still gave her as much liquids as we could. Before that, psh, she'd eat a few bowls of anything for a meal:)
Something tugs inside me. Like, I thought I was happy and fine and everything. Now this moment. “Why do you have to say that?” I let some of my feelings into the words so she knows I’m not deflecting it all.
“Because. She would’ve liked this.”
She smiles a little bit.
All I can say: there’s this sharp thing in there. Under my ribs. Stinging in my eyes.
Wrapping like an amazon vine around my heart and lungs, my throat, tugging everything close and snug till aching.

I guess . . . now I realize it with familiarity; it’s been a while since I’ve felt this acute type of it . . .
I miss her.

[i guess it's going to be a wave sort of thing.
how should i know?
though i've experienced people going away and the missing and sadness that comes with that, i've never had this permanent type of going away. and duh, i know it's not permanent. but it kind of is for now.
i've got dishes to catch up on a wee bit, and elenowen to listen to. and sleep to get. but maybe a book to finish first. hoping i fall asleep easy . . . ]
p.s. i cannot wait to share some of the pictures i took this last half of the week. :)


Laura Darling said...

Bike rides and long walks...I need some of those! I'm sorry about your loss, I hope your grief becomes easier.

chambanachik said...

I hope the missing gets easier. <3

heart like mine said...

your writing in this is so lovely.

and it bothers me when people say "it's not forever" or that sort of thing when something like this happens. it is forever in the sense of this human life and of course you are going to grieve it and it's going to be painful.

thank you for your honesty about such things; it tugs at the soul and inspires the heart.

i hope you find some peace in the midst of those "missing her" moments, my dear.