measuring up to an invisible, undefined but seemingly present ideal or something . . . just isn't the way anyone wants to spend their emotional energies on.
freedom is the result of peace.
that's a paraphrased quote from embrace me, a book by lisa samson.
no matter where i am, no matter where i will be, i've tried to figure it out.
expectations. ideals. thoughts. dreams. should's and could's and would-be's.
but what is?
and wherever i am, however vague i love to keep some things in certain times because for some reason . . . inferior feelings reign deep.
the thing is, i'm trying to figure out life.
what i want to do.
what could and will make money that i can save and give.
what i'd love to happen in the next 2 years, the next 5 years, distant hoping maybe dreams for the next 10.
but how many am i guaranteed?
how many are any of guaranteed?
and how many ideas will change, fade, turn, walk away, grow?
the deep things in life are made of the wondering.
the thoughts. the dreamings. the unknown.
there is greatness to an always-directed life where you can always see straight and there's never fog on the road or detours that will take who-knows-how-long and who-knows-where . . .
sometimes i feel i'm the most clueless person of us all.
i could hope i'm not alone. or i could just be insane.
and i could totally just not press publish after all this.
on the same line as all this is the guest post erika wrote for my blog this past week.
i told her i need to reread it about every other day.
i guess it's one of those days, isn't it?
as bethany phrased it once in a post:
It’s one of those days in which ants crawl around the inside of my skin and I think “If only…” without being able to finish that sentence.sometimes i thirst for direction.
sometimes i grasp for inspiration.
sometimes i embrace the cluelessness for a good solid 12 hours and wake the next day feeling bright and nearly myself again.
sometimes i wish everything was handed to me on a silver --or at least, brass or brushed nickel-- platter.
sometimes i wish i felt there were more possibilities.
then i remember there are endless possibilities.
but some, i feel, are bridgeless.
and i have no clue how to build certain bridges.
i can see them but have no way, no clue, no details as to how to set out to journey there.
i hope all my word-pictures and vague analogies haven't thrown you off.
cheers with an empty coffee mug to those of you who read through all this.
i'm not even sure if it's going to make sense. i'm not going to read it again until probably.....later. or tomorrow. heh.
i just know someday life's going to change.
and i'll find something good in that, too.
am i the only person who sometimes imagines herself someday, as a grandma, looking back on whatever i do or don't do . . . whatever i say or don't say . . . however i change or don't change . . . who i love or don't love . . . whatever i choose or don't choose . . . ?
am i the only one?
i love this song.
it helps me breath. brings peace.
be good, keep your feet dry, your eyes open, your heart at peace and your soul in the joy of Christ.