Sunday, August 21, 2011

rambling, wondering, restless soul.

don't you just love the feeling of having to measure up?
not me.
measuring up to an invisible, undefined but seemingly present ideal or something . . . just isn't the way anyone wants to spend their emotional energies on.

freedom is the result of peace.
that's a paraphrased quote from embrace me, a book by lisa samson.
no matter where i am, no matter where i will be, i've tried to figure it out.
expectations. ideals. thoughts. dreams. should's and could's and would-be's.
but what is?
and wherever i am, however vague i love to keep some things in certain times because for some reason . . . inferior feelings reign deep.
the thing is, i'm trying to figure out life.
what i want to do.
what could and will make money that i can save and give.
what i'd love to happen in the next 2 years, the next 5 years, distant hoping maybe dreams for the next 10.
but how many am i guaranteed?
how many are any of guaranteed?
and how many ideas will change, fade, turn, walk away, grow?
the deep things in life are made of the wondering.
the thoughts. the dreamings. the unknown.
there is greatness to an always-directed life where you can always see straight and there's never fog on the road or detours that will take who-knows-how-long and who-knows-where . . .
sometimes i feel i'm the most clueless person of us all.
i could hope i'm not alone. or i could just be insane.
and i could totally just not press publish after all this.
on the same line as all this is the guest post erika wrote for my blog this past week.
i told her i need to reread it about every other day.
i guess it's one of those days, isn't it?
as bethany phrased it once in a post:
It’s one of those days in which ants crawl around the inside of my skin and I think “If only…” without being able to finish that sentence.
sometimes i thirst for direction.
sometimes i grasp for inspiration.
sometimes i embrace the cluelessness for a good solid 12 hours and wake the next day feeling bright and nearly myself again.
sometimes i wish everything was handed to me on a silver --or at least, brass or brushed nickel-- platter.
sometimes i wish i felt there were more possibilities.
then i remember there are endless possibilities.
but some, i feel, are bridgeless.
and i have no clue how to build certain bridges.
i can see them but have no way, no clue, no details as to how to set out to journey there.
i hope all my word-pictures and vague analogies haven't thrown you off.
cheers with an empty coffee mug to those of you who read through all this.

i'm not even sure if it's going to make sense. i'm not going to read it again until probably.....later. or tomorrow. heh.
i just know someday life's going to change.
and i'll find something good in that, too.
i will.
am i the only person who sometimes imagines herself someday, as a grandma, looking back on whatever i do or don't do . . . whatever i say or don't say . . . however i change or don't change . . . who i love or don't love . . . whatever i choose or don't choose . . . ?
am i the only one?
i love this song.
it helps me breath. brings peace.

be good, keep your feet dry, your eyes open, your heart at peace and your soul in the joy of Christ.
[Thomas Merton]


Abbie said...

Dear Beka,
I love you.
And I can so, so, so, SO relate to every word you just wrote.

And the ants crawling around under my skin... saying "if only..."

The wishing, the wondering, the asking, the cluelessness... the wandering season.

The searching season.

I can tell that lately you've been going through a soul-deepening searching season. And my thoughts and prayers are with you. I've been there. I might still be there :) I have some advice to give, but mostly I can just understand.

I'm here... always. Know you can email me for anything:)

- Abbie M.

chambanachik said...

First of all, love the honesty of this post. It's realness.

And, I'm glad I'm not the only one. Because I'm having a very bridgeless day...actually, a bridgeless season. It's pretty much all I have been thinking about lately.

Felipe Neumann said...

I think we focus way too much on the ends, you know?

It is so hard sometimes to just enjoy the ride, we're thousand miles away from crossing those bridges and yet we feel desperate at the thought of not being able to build them in time... so what if we can't? What if we just don't?

I guess then we'll either have to walk through different ways or cross the dang river anyway! :)

I was talking to my grandma last week about the importance of living in the "now" and she told me: "sometimes, very often, you just won't be sure, but the greatest things humankind was capable of doing were accomplished by normal people in their most doubtful moments".

Hanna said...

so many people feel this way and merely wish that they had the words to express these feelings.
It is hard to trust in God completely, and step out even when God presents you with a very obvious direction. Just know that if your heart beats for Jesus then your life will be so blessed. He will fullfill all the promises that He made/and will make to you, and He will bring peace to your restless heart.

I was so sad this morning because me heart was so restless and unhappy. Y Eso no es bueno!!!!
Take heart my dear.
Remember that if you can conquer the F chord on the guitar then the world is your oyster!

Bethany said...

Oh hun, you're not the only one who feels this... just one of the brave few to admit to it. I've actually grown to find these restless, angsty, questioning times exciting because they signify Change --- soul-expanding, focus-sharpening, opportunity-claiming Change. It's thrilling to find myself on the brink of it again (look for a related post coming soon to a blog near you), and I'm cheering your own impending life-shifts on as well!