Monday, July 26, 2010

i had a plan for this thing.

I truly did.
I mean, what better way to start painting again after a month and do something new??
Today: co-op. Whole bean. Dark roast. Coffee!!!
Okay. I'm not that hyper about it. Exclamation marks don't make me look good.
Ahem.
Yes.
Oh, the little things we're thankful for...
Okay, so back to the thing I had a plan for.
Anna had just taken Lyd and Danny down to the park to play. Randomly.
It was earlier this afternoon.
I had just finished doing Day 3 of the last week/5 days of the David study. 
And I wanted to paint.
I had a vague picture in my head of a mountain and trees and sky and a wispy cloud around the top of said mountain. And somewhere on the canvas, it would say the quote that I found in Moon Over Tokyo.
You cannot value what you do not understand.
And while I was doing the study, I kept writing random things down about this quote from Siri's book. And yelling my revelations to Anna, where she was in her room.
Seriously. That quote.
I had pictured that phrase somewhere on the canvas. So I set to work....
Yeah. Basic colors. 
See? Doesn't it look like I have a plan?
I mean....had a plan.
See? It's a mountain.
Isn't it??
And then I added the trees....call it a forest.
Then Anna, Lyd, and Danny came back.
They watched me. Stared at the canvas, what there was.
Then....
"Is that a roof?"
Sigh. No. It's a mountain.
"It needs more . . . texture. More . . . peaks, like a real mountain." 
Well, let's see you paint a mountain and make it look realistic! Let's see you try to execute your own advise!!
I kept cleaning the brush I had finished using. I had to wait for the paint to dry until I could put that cloud around the top of the mountain. Er...roof.
Lyd, does that look like a roof?
She leaned over. Peered at it for a second. "Nope, it looks like a mountain to me!" 
I gave Anna a look. See, even Lyd can see what you can't. Of course, I wouldn't expect an adult to get it as quick as this sharp-minded little girl....
A long talk ensued. Including me, turning away and looking out the window while she tried being nicely honest about it.
It looked like a roof. Maybe add more lighter greys? The grass looked funny. I told her it was trees. Lyd piped up, "Yeah, Anna, it's trees! Even I can tell that!" 
But of course, who takes an almost-10yo serious when she's had REM dreams of being one of the Na'vi the past few nights? A child who carries around bows and arrows she's made herself, and jumps off the not-too-high parts at the park, posing like an agile warrior with blue skin.
Who says her imagination is grounded enough to say that the trees and "mountain" look normal enough to hang on anyone's darn wall?
This was the last anyone saw of that painting. Er...half-painting.
It wasn't finished.
And that thing couldn't even count as a cartoon mountain. 
I took my damp rag to it, rubbing still-wet paint off in frustration.
Anna and Lyd just watched me. "No, don't do that!"
Well. I did. And now we could just forget that my plan had failed. My first plan at painting for probably a month.
Royal fail. 
Epic.
Just . . . . maddening fail. Complete suckage.

I can't paint a blinkin' mountain.
"Maybe not, but you can play guitar. You can knit and make baby hats. You can paint coffee cups. You can find beautiful dresses and wear them.
You can . . . "
So we had a whole lovely shrink chat. Anna's much better than a psychologist. Really. ;) You know, like getting to the bottom of the issue. But it was one-sided because I was turned toward the window and crying a couple pitying, frustrated tears. I ran words over in my head, but didn't say most of them.
The basics of the issue was I had planned for the first time in a long time....and I failed.  
It wasn't anyone's honest opinions. Whether it looked beautiful or ugly or just plain old what I didn't set out to paint.
So this is what it turned out as.
Methinks it looks like something distressed. 
And my thought is to paint a quote over than mess of leftovers.
It didn't quite help that Anna and Lyd loved the finished wrecked thing better that the painting.
Just the concept, y'know.
Failure. 
What a lovely thing.
To achieve. To wreck. To make better.
???
So now we know another thing that Beka sucks at doing
Painting mountains.
Oh, and grass --er, trees next to said mountains.

Let's just say the whole painting time today didn't end too bittersweet. 
I found a new muse.
Thanks to Anna.
Her suggestion turned out quite promising.
Thank God for sisters. :)
And yes, I can't wait to show y'all how it turned out--the one God and Anna inspired. 

p.s. I just realized how this post is an allegory.
Oh, the plans and hopes we can come up with. Then, something in life, or someone comes along and mangles it. . . . but that's where God comes in. He turns things around for good . . . for those who love Him. 
I can't wait to see how the distressed canvas turns out. I have no ideas at the moment for its future.
It'll surprise me. Just like God does. Just like life........ 
Plus, you can already see that the end of it will be much better, more beautiful, more meaningful than it started out as, in my head, and in the middle processes of painting what it has become. 

4 comments:

K.B. said...

Love it. All of it. Your most moving post to date. <3

Farmgirl Paints said...

I signed on to paint a scandinavian fishing village mural this week. I have NO IDEA how to paint a fishing village. What in the world have I gotten myself into?!! See it could be worse...you could be ME! HA:)

hfaithe85 said...

awww, don't feel too bad dear. I can't paint a bloomin' thing. So be comforted that you possess loads of artistic talent. :)p.s. Anna is MUCH better than a psychologist. :D :D

LeAnna said...

Failure. Ah, yes. I know it well. And every time we meet, I swallow big and start again.

Very true allegory, girl. Very true. I'm glad we serve a God who inspires in the midst of failure, though. :)