Monday, February 22, 2010

chocolate, prayer, lowes, and purpose. or lack of it.


For lack of a better thing to write about, here’s a quote from Faking Grace (by Tamara Leigh):

Jack: “Found out that the problem of teenage drugs and alcohol isn’t limited to those outside the faith, did you?”
Grace: “I knew it wasn’t. I’m not that naïve.” Well, not always. “It’s just sad.”
Jack: “Sad that Christianity isn’t an impenetrable shield? That even after we’ve accepted Jesus as our Saviour, we keep messing up? doing things we know we shouldn’t? things He has to wash away again and again?”
How depressing . . .
Jack: “Sorry, Grace, I didn’t mean to ruin your day. And what I sad shouldn’t ruin it, because there’s joy in knowing He loves each of us so much that He never stops washing no matter how big or dirty the piles of laundry.”

(by the way, that book is pretty good! i like it a lot, and hey, jack is british!! ;))

Today has seemed kind of . . . purposeless.
To Anna.
To me.
I even drank a cup of chocolate milk inbetween bites of pecans, and only realized what I was doing when I was halfway done. Mhmm. I wasn’t that deep in thought, either.
I could blame it on going to sleep after reading till 12am and then getting woken up at 8:30, but I know lots of people who get less sleep than that and still function normally. At least, as far as I’ve seen. ;)
I could blame it on Lowes, and the partial insanity it inflicted on me (haha, i am just joking, i had a pretty good time there), being there right away so early in the day, and what with all my dreams floating around in my head. As in, I can’t wait to do ‘interior designing’ in my house someday…yeah, yeah, I know money doesn’t grow on trees, but I’m still looking forward to it, because it’s something I have great interest in and enjoy. And oh, wait! The fact that my dreams of ‘the house’ include a man (someday) aren’t helped by the lack of suitors lining up outside the back door . . . (haha, I always tell Anna that, in her funky moments of questioning random things; like, seriously, Anna, you/I’m not getting married tomorrow. or next month. do you see suitors lined up outside? lol) But really, I don’t mind right now, and heck, I shouldn’t. Should I? Nope. ‘Cause heck, I’m still quite young, and don’t you dare laugh, Heather. ;)

Anyways, that thing above, about the piles of laundry? This day feels like it’s one of those…not that I’ve been sinning up the yin-yang, but shouldn’t laziness and purposelessness be a sin? It’s loving no one, it’s not benefiting anyone, much less God, anyone else, or even us.

Hmm. Did I mention that I had a square of espresso-dark-chocolate after that chocolate milk and pecans? Um, no. I didn't think so. Now, go pick your eyeballs up off the floor, over there, you know, where they rolled to after they dropped out a few moments ago. (hopefully, they didn't.)

Just a few thoughts.
But as I said, about this all being part of those piles of laundry…I’m just glad that tomorrow will be new, because He makes each day new, His mercies toward us are new every day. And goodness, don’t ya know we need it.

I had an urge to bundle up in random clothes –just enough to keep me warm—and go out to walk, randomly, and just pray. But I bided my time writing in my journal for the first time since yesterday and only two pages at that, and then I undid the braid that was falling out weirdly, and suddenly, as I was finishing off a mug of Bigelow green-peach tea, the sun was completely down and my chances are a whole lot less . . . and soon Dad will be coming home, and depending on if he wants to make Reuben sandwiches tonight, I’m going to be in the kitchen (maybe) making those with him . . .

See my excuses? Heck, if I wasn’t so consumed sharing my oddball day with you all, I could and would and should’ve been out there praying . . . shouldn’t I have? I think so, but that's just me.

Well, a thought peeks around the corner: . . . there’s always tomorrow.
Yeah, yeah; that’s what I’ve been telling myself, ending up at night without having even touched my Bible. There’s always tomorrow. I have got a problem. And I’m going to solve it. (well, with His help. See? I admit I need it.) with a few choices nicely carried through, those little ones where you decides to do this or that or that other thing, and I’ll have myself some hopefully sincere time of devotedness.

Devoted is an interesting word. Not many people are devoted to the right things. Including me. Heck, I’m devoted to reading, writing, coffee, tea, and living with and helping my family and Grammy darling. But where the heck is the part that says I’m devoted to loving, devoted to reaching out (to those who need help, hope, etc), reaching up (to Him, for His hand) . . . ?

Well, I’m devoted (subconsciously, at least; I tell you! ;)) to learning to love, in these sometimes horrible moments, day in, day out.

Sometimes, that phrase ‘familiarity breeds contempt’ just comes alive. Oh yeah. But then you think of that Love chapter in 1 Corinthians, and if He can Love us so constantly, and Jesus told us to love God, our friends, and our enemies, haha, then why the heck can’t I work on stomping down those impulses of The Mean Sister, etc¸ and asking God to help me…? My pride, selfishness and everything else is so not a good excuse. (sighs after long rant against self, finds self in need of another mug of dark chocolate milk . . . just kidding!!!)

But I really need to be off now. And I’m so glad I’ve finally taken a small step in the right direction for something—I’m charging the batteries for my camera so I can take pictures. It’s been dead for a week or so, darnit.

Hmm. See there? you could totally take it to metaphorical levels: I need to charge my batteries, so I can take pictures (again).

Really, peoples, how much brains/imagining/thoughts does it take to lead you down one or several of those metaphorical paths??? I’m kind of sometimes maybe a bit too symbolic/metaphorical…

But ya’ll have a good night. On to purposeful things. ;)

P.S. I finished Operation: Firebrand Saturday night around 12:30am....heh heh. On to Operation Firebrand: Crusade. About 70 pages into it. Soooo good. Actually made me cry last night, and not just a few little leakers. This one's about slavery, etc.
Just in case none of you have caught on yet, I'm really liking Jefferson Scott's writing...

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