Friday, December 3, 2010

cold winds and cappuccinos.

She didn't think anything was wrong.
They drove to the coffee shop, and she got out.
It was cold.
Around 17 degrees.
She didn't think they'd forget her.
It was cold.
But she had a hat, scarf, good quality coat, and sweater underneath that.
It was warm in the small coffee shop.
She gave the lady 3 folded dollar bills. 2.25 for the cappuccino, no shot of flavor this time.
10 cents each for the two coffee candies a little sister wanted.
No chatting today.
Well then.
She went to find her younger brother at the bakery a few doors down.
The older brother who'd driven was returning a movie at the gallery a couple minutes away.
A woman in the bakery. "Hi."
"I was just looking for my brother...he was just here earlier..."
The small quarters for standing room and then the glass of the case holding pastries and breads.
No one there.
"Oh, yes. He looks just like you." She smiles. "He was in here, got some donuts, and went out."
"Oh....'cause he didn't come down to Deakin Isle....I wonder where he went."
They exchange smiles.
"You'll find him somewhere."
"Yeah, I will."
Back out to the cold.
The wind against her cheeks. The small 12oz. cup of cappuccino in her hands warming them somewhat.
Back down the block to the bench in front of the coffee shop.
What would he do outside??
He must've...walked down the the library.
No. Maybe he started home.
She sat there on the bench, alone, a passerby once in a while.
She waited there as long as she could.
The world was pale. Frost. Forecast was snow the next day.
She finished the cappuccino, taking the lid off and sucking up the now-cooled foamy milk on the cover and the espresso and milk at the bottom of the cup.
Well, then.
This is what happens when you don't have a cell phone.
When, somehow, beyond general comprehension, the younger brother weasels his way into inheriting the grandmother's cell phone when she comes to live with your family.
Messed up, she thought. Could've used it.
So she started off. To the corner.
Threw the cup away, empty but for some foam.
Pressed the button to wait and walk while cars waited and started later.
She walked alone.
Favorite jeans shielding her from most of the cold. Tennis shoes bright and artsy-floral, worn.

Eyes on the sidewalk, watched every step but mind constantly thinking.
Pondering why, why on earth are they not here??
Where are they??
What the heck??
It was about 4 blocks to home.
She walked them alone.
She passed two churches.
She passed a woman unloading groceries from her van, blasting a tune with a good beat from the speakers.
She couldn't help but smile at that.
She passed a few houses she'd been wanting to see the inside of for quite a while.
She passed pale grass, trampled.
She passed naked trees.
She walked.
Her breath was one of the only things she could hear.
She walked into the wind.
That was the way home.
It whistled in her ears sometimes.
Her cheeks were cold.
She heard her breath and her whisperings to God asking why, what the heck is wrong with them, where did they go, are they having fun, are they at the library, are they at home, did they forget about me, it's all my fault because I didn't ask to borrow a cell phone, it's all my fault because I didn't lay out a detailed plan...
I will sing of Your mercy that leads me through valleys of sorrow to rivers of joy.
Home came into view sooner than most would think, for four blocks walked in the cold wind.
The van was there.
She stuffed it down.
Her old brother was in the garage.
"Did you guys forget about me? It's 17 degrees out, you know." Her voice was quiet. She just wanted him to know.
"We didn't talk...I wasn't sure....all I knew was we were dropping you off."
"I thought you were dropping us off....and coming back for us."
"Well, he got the donuts right away and then we returned the movie...I forgot. I didn't know. We didn't talk about the details."
"So you guys thought I wanted to walk home in 17 degrees?" Tears rose up, didn't sting because the cold had her eyes wet for no reason before.
"I didn't know...I'm sorry." Goodness, he truly didn't.
She mumbled something and turned around, heading across the driveway for the house.
The warm house with tea and books and warmth; did we forget to mention it was warm?
Through the kitchen and up the stairs, unwinding her scarf and unbuttoning her coat.
Her face had fell before she'd even turned away from her brother.
Tears dripped.
He followed her. "I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I forgot. I'm sorry. Really. I'm sorry."
Soon she was tired and almost sorry for him. "I know. I forgive you."
She reached for the book she'd been reading lately.
He persisted in his quiet voice and I'm sorrys.
She wasn't mad.
But she had to face her own emotions alone now.
Name what she felt. Confront it, be okay with it, breathe in and out forgiveness and acceptance.
"I'm fine."
She closed the door as he went back down the stairs, telling her I'm sorry once more.
Oh, tears.
She felt left out, forgotten, let down...
They didn't truly mean to.
They were brothers. Men. Guys. Male.
Nothing, no actual plan, had been established, so they hadn't known what to do. One track minds if you ever saw it.
She had been relying on the idea of their sensibilities.
She had depended on them.
People let people down in big and small ways.
What an eventful day so far. It was only 12 noon when she got home.


Cristina said...

this was so lovely. not the being left behind, having to walk in the cold part, but the writing :)

hfaithe85 said...

One of your best posts dear and Random and slightly dramatic but a pleasure to read. I did feel a wee bit for said sorrowful brother. Hope this lesson sinks in. ;)

Bethany said...

I agree, lovely writing. I'm shivering for you though...